I Kicked A Man Out Of My Bed

Remember that one episode of Euphoria when Jules and Rue grill Elliot about the number of women he slept with and he confesses that one of them definitely wouldn't even count it as sex because it was so short? Well, in the story below, I relate to her feelings unreservedly. However, contrary to poor Elliot, it's not because the man came too fast. Trust me, it wouldn't have been a big deal. It was, lamentably, way worse than that. 

Let's start from the top, though. When you're happily single but you want to have sex (preferably with someone who you haven't slept with before), you have two options. You can either find your potential sexual partners during various social (in a broad sense) occasions (club nights, flat parties, gigs, events, maybe even at work or on a bus, who knows) or via dating apps. Both options have their pros and cons.

I love the spontaneity and unexpectedness of meeting someone new in a social situation, and suddenly, kissing in a taxi, hooking up in a bathroom, shame-walking the next morning. Or you know, going out to a concert, but ending up in a threesome. The night can bring anything! Yet, on the other hand, you literally have zero information about them (including their sexual preferences), so it can go in every possible direction. On top of that, alcohol and other substances are often involved which most definitely affects the quality of the intercourse. To put it bluntly: it can get quite messy and, consequently, unsatisfying. 

Dating apps, contrastingly, lack the impulsive thrill but simultaneously, they provide you at least with an illusion of knowing your partner a little bit. If you're after a hookup, you hardly ever go for it without receiving some valid information first. Nudes, sexting, dealbreakers, turn-ons, turn-offs, videos, voice notes. You would never get this whole package in a club. 

Therefore, as someone with quite specific sexual preferences, this one day I decided to select the latter option, especially since a few previous spontaneous hookups bored me to death because they were too vanilla. It's probably the easiest thing in the world to find an eager dude on a dating app but what I particularly liked about that one was his swiftness and directness. He didn't waste his time, he was there to have sex and at that moment, it was something I very much needed also. 

When the indispensable question about more particular preferences was eventually posed, he revealed that he was actually 'easy' and 'chill.' It should have been a signal for me (I'm not gonna say 'a red flag' cause it would be an overstatement) but I decided to ignore it because I was blinded with horniness. And after he sent nudes, I completely forgot about the whole wide world. Yes, it's this easy with me.

The problem I have, on the other hand, as a sub in a world who often doesn't understand kinks, is that for some people, unfamiliar with the intricacies of the BDSM community, I might fall under the stereotype of a weak woman. Some men, from whom I request domination, therefore, almost approach it like a test of their masculinity, forgetting what domination actually entails. I mention the conventional gender roles because I'm sure that if it was another way around (meaning if I was after dominating them and sometimes I really wish I was but you are born a certain way, aren't you), they wouldn't have been so eager. My bad, I know. I shouldn't expect this level of scrutinous kinky knowledge from a random man, I shouldn't look for an authentic dom on a regular dating app, and believe me, I learned my lesson painfully.

The minute he turned up at my bedroom door, I knew it would go down the hill because he was clearly nervous but simultaneously, desperate to shag pretty much anyone, I think, which probably gave him some confidence to think that it would work out. I really wish that instead of pretending, he would have let me know that my fantasies are not his cup of tea. And that was my earlier point exactly. When an insecure man is asked to dominate a woman, his ego won't allow him to say no. 'Of course, baby girl, daddy will punish you the way bad girls deserve to be punished, no problem.' (Analogously, an insecure man wouldn't admit that he's into femdom). 

And boy, he did NOT know how to pull it off. He tried to slap my ass incompetently, evidently scared and I don't blame him because a skillful spanking is an art quite hard to master and it should never be pursued if doubts or hesitations appear. He shifted his shaking hands onto other parts of my body but it didn't work out either. Yet the worst part was that he attempted a roleplay. Well, if repeating, 'Come to daddy,' and 'Daddy's here to punish you,' all over again, embellished with very intense gasping, can ever qualify as a roleplay. Please take this lesson from me and share it with the world: don't roleplay if you can't! As a roleplaying fan, I can tell you that there's a very fine line between something incredibly hot and completely cringy. One wrong word can turn it into an utter disaster. (In his case, there weren't too many words used in the first place, anyway). 

I'm not criticizing this guy because he wasn't skilled in domination but because he went for it, knowing that it wasn't his thing and essentially, pretending that he was experienced in this area. I'm also criticizing myself because I believed him way too easily (I think I just wanted to because I was equally desperate) but there's one thing I'm particularly proud of. 

Lying in bed with him and hearing his absurd attempts to become a daddy, I closed my eyes, praying to all gods and goddesses in the universe that he would come fast and end this nonsense, and then, I realized that those times were long gone. I used to hide behind the label of 'a receiver,' I used to perceive ejaculation as the ending of intercourses, I used to force myself to have sex with some men just because it was easier and I know that I'm not alone in this. Not anymore, though.

How to stop intercourse in a non-awkward way (particularly with someone who you don't know well)? I think it's close to impossible but you can still do it politely. And that's what I did. I'm really sorry but I'm not having a good time so I think it would be best for you to leave. (Polite enough? Hope so, I really tried). He was quite shocked but took it well. He might have asked for oral sex (like it was any different) but after I urbanely turned down that offer too, he got the point. 'Sure, it's your right to say no.' I know and that's why I said it.

Congrats to me for being brave enough to stop this horrible adventure and congrats to him for an almost immediate understanding. Both things should be absolutely normal but we all know how it is in practice. In my final words, then, let me send my regards to this guy because thanks to him, I found it in my heart to stop. It's awkward but still a hundred times better than very unwanted, unsatisfying, and unforgettably horrible sex.

Up Next, The Most Underwhelming Sex Of My Life