A Fuckboy Helped Me To Love My Body
And also, he fucked me pretty well.
Trigger warning: body dysmorphia, eating disorder
We started talking like a week ago and things moved on fast. Right at the start, we established that neither of us is looking for anything serious but we’re both after, what’s the euphemism for shagging on dating apps? Yeah, right. Fun.
I was glad we were on the same page but also, I felt super nervous. He was a goddamn athlete and he looked like a dream. His face was cute, his body was perfect, and then . . . he sent nudes. To say that he was well endowed would be an understatement. So, he literally ticked all the boxes to be my type, when it comes to physical appearance.
As for me, I’m aware of my hot parts but I also know that I’m not a model, let alone an athlete. On top of that, I was raised in an environment obsessed with thinness and strong pressure to be skinny. This was enough for a girl like me, whose boobs started growing at the age of 10 (and I have a feeling they never stopped), to develop a serious body dysmorphia and an eating disorder. Tough luck.
It feels vulnerable even to share it here but I was overthinking a lot. What if I don’t look like in photos. What if my body doesn’t look like in nudes. What if he decides that he’s not attracted to me, after I take my clothes off. With all of these insecurities on my mind, I decided to play it cool and act like the most unapologetic person in the world because truly, there is nothing sexier than self-confidence.
We hit it off right away. Sexually, we turned out to be amazingly compatible. I’m a natural sub, while he was very much a dom and believe me, he didn’t overpromise in texts. As my experience shows, bold men from dating apps often become disappointments in real life, thinking that one slap on my ass can satisfy my kinks. It’s not for everyone of course and not every sexual partner can pull it off but he really knew how to play the game called BDSM.
On the other hand though, in between our kinky scenes, crazy spanking, intense choking, nasty role play, baby oil massage in doggy and sucking in a kneeling position, he was actually super sweet. At some point, we were laying down together and cuddling cause I needed a break after a deep throat I just served him. And then, he started admiring my body, while caressing my neck.
He delivered a lot of very cute, effortless compliments and of course, it was very nice to hear that but then, he said something that paralyzed me for a second. ‘Your curves are amazing, wow. I really like thick women like you, you know. You’re so my type.’ I froze in his arms but he completely misinterpreted my face. ‘Yeah right, you heard it before. No wonder, with a body like that. Look at you, of course, you know that you’re like super hot.’
No, I genuinely don’t, bro. He was meaning to be nice and he couldn’t know that he activated an actual thunderstorm inside my mind cause I was playing a confident hot girl all along. But these two words, ‘curvy’ and ‘thick’ were enough for me to internalize his compliment immediately. I felt a huge wave of self-hatred towards my body.
He still held me in his arms though, kissing every single inch of me and then, I decided to put out this fire. He said that he liked me. The way I am. And he didn’t expect me to be grateful, he literally said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Suddenly, I felt like a huge pressure left me. Finally, I didn’t have to pretend that I’m skinny. I didn’t have to cover my body. I didn’t have to play anyone cause he liked the real me, with all of my kinks and curves. Moreover, he liked me precisely because of those things. Things that I was usually shamed for.
While being validated by a man is not exactly a super feminist or empowering confession to share, I don’t blame myself. As women, we are projected to feel that we’re not enough or, in my case, too much. We’re also projected to feel that we have to be pretty and, although we really don’t, I’m aware that I fell victim to that trap at the moment. But he helped me to understand that over the years, in a similar way, I internalized a lot of comments like his. All it took was to hear it when naked.
After I had this revelation, which may sound super corny but actually, felt like a huge self-discovery for me, our sex has gotten even better. Not only because I was crazily attracted to him. Not only because I already knew that he was similarly attracted to me. But also because, however weird that sounds, I felt attracted to myself.
Does this mean that a fuckboy helped me to resolve my ongoing issues with my body and food? It doesn’t take a genius to say no but he definitely gave me the courage to do something I never did before. The next day, when I went out, I wore skinny jeans and a crop top, showing off all parts of my body that I used to cover before. My juicy ass, my thick thighs, my round tummy, my wide hips and yes, my big boobs. I also didn’t wear a bra and while my equally big nipples were showing through my top, I felt absolutely amazing.
Sex with him was great but he’s gone now, while I’m left with those jeans flattering my big booty and a great sense of confidence, even if temporary. Yes, he validated me but I took it to the next level of self-validation and that’s my win. Cause sex with him was never about him. It was always about me.