4 Unacceptable Things That Men Still Do In Bed
Including a ‘no kiss after blowjob’ policy.
How to date men when you hate men is a tale as old as time and sadly, I don’t know an answer to this question. What I know though, on the other hand, is that men are capable of ruining the most perfect sexual attraction, tension or moment. Their stupid behavior, inconsiderate comments and overall density turned me off way too many times, making me think, ‘Why am I even here?!’ and then, leaving as quickly as possible. And they wonder why I don’t usually like to stay the night.
This is exactly why. My four examples of disgusting things men did to me in bed which need to be stopped and shamed RIGHT NOW. What are yours?
1. They give zero fucks about contraception.
How many times have men tried to get into me, just like that, with no protection? ENDLESS. Helloooo, someone skipped Biology, I’m not wind-pollinated and although you’re quite cute, I don’t wanna raise your baby. Ever. I’m not sure what they’re really thinking, that I won’t notice? That I won’t say anything? And the excuses they give are even more outrageous than their carelessness and selfishness.
A dude who came to mine once (specifically for a hook-up, mind that!), told me that he’d forgotten his condoms. How can you forget condoms for a hook-up, bro? It’s like forgetting your car keys when you’re about to drive. The other one, who visited me for the very same purpose, didn’t bring them because he was ‘skint.’ Really? Condoms are $6 and two beers you had before coming here actually cost you more (yes, I’ve seen on your Instagram and I can smell your breath).
But the fact that they don’t BRING condoms, doesn’t even bother me that much because I believe in sharing responsibilities and I usually have my own condoms at home anyway, just in case (although arriving at someone’s place without them, when you’re there for a hook-up, is still kinda disrespectful). What upsets me the most, though is that they don’t even START the contraception subject. They don’t ask if I’m on the pill. They don’t let me know in advance that they’d forgotten condoms. They’re just trying their luck and pick up the subject only if I start. Like the responsibility wasn’t theirs.
And you know what, I pandered to them a few times, when I run out of my condoms or when I wasn’t at mine. I felt the pressure, I was horny and stupid enough to believe their ridiculous ‘I’m clean and I pull out.’ I guess I’m extremely lucky that I didn’t have to face any serious consequences but I learned my lesson. Don’t get me wrong, casual sex is great, I’ve had it for most of my life and I’m feeling absolutely great about it. But it needs to be healthy and protected. It’s ridiculous that I still have to explain it to men and praise them when they accommodate. This is how low the bar is set.
2. They don’t ask and talk to us . . .
I’m with a man on the sofa in my living room and, let me use an Amy Winehouse quote, ‘he’s in the place but I can’t get joy.’ It’s been five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen. I don’t feel anything. I’m starring at the ceiling and thinking about my laundry. Twenty minutes in and then, the first question fills the room. ‘Are you gonna come or . . . ?’
No, I’m not, and stop making me feel like I’m doing something wrong because last time when you couldn’t get hard, I was really supportive (note: you always should be!). And this is not because you’re not a master of sex. Truth is, nobody is, really. Sex is a process of trials and errors but you can never repair errors if you don’t ask. I don’t think of myself as a goddess of sex (ok, maybe sometimes I do), but I always want to know what my sexual partner’s expectations are. One guy asked me once to bite his cock – I haven’t tried it with anyone else later and I have a feeling no other dude would enjoy it that much. That’s the whole point. Everyone’s different, there’s no rights or wrongs. There are only rights – as long as you ask. And I agree, those conversations can be awkward and cringey but what’s even more cringey, is lying in bed as stiff as a board and thinking about laundry when you’re supposed to have fun. Believe me, I’ve been there.
3. . . . but when they do, I’d rather they shut up forever!
Not gonna lie, I’m quite wild in bed and while I appreciate that not everyone is into that, I think that the proverbial ‘bedroom’ should be a safe space where rules don’t apply (as long as everything is consensual, of course!). I was about to have sex with a guy once and I kissed him very passionately, I almost wanted to cover every bit of his body with my tongue. He was hot, I was hot, we were both horny and I was feeling the moment. And then, he ruined it. ‘Don’t be so wild, you’re a woman, so act like a woman,’ he said. YES, HE ACTUALLY DID. I’m very embarrassed to admit that although I should have left and never spoken to him again, I didn’t.
Thankfully, I’m at a way better place with who I am now and I cringe whenever I think about this misogynist who projected his insecurities onto me. But the worst part is that his disgusting comment is only one example of horrible things that men can say in bed. Instead of asking us what we like, they judge us, humiliate us (not talking about kinky ways here) or comment on our bodies. ‘Don’t worry, I put on weight too,’ a guy told me once when I was a bit hesitant to have sex on a small sink in his bathroom. Nothing wrong with putting on weight but it wasn’t the most sensitive comment for someone like me, who has body dysmorphia and an eating disorder (he knew about it).
I get, ‘Your boobs are so huge, the biggest I’ve ever seen’ a lot as well and while I’m aware that it’s meant as a compliment, I don’t always take it that way. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been shamed and, at the same time, sexualized because my boobs grew pretty fast, so those comments can sometimes get quite triggering. Not everyone knows about it – a random one-night-stand certainly doesn’t of course, but a little bit of sensitivity would be appreciated. Instead of stating the obvious (yes, I know they’re big, I carry them every day), tell me that they’re beautiful, it’s so much better. And first of all, ask me how I want them to be touched, kissed, sucked, squeezed or caressed. I’m all yours then.
4. No kiss after blowjob.
I really like oral sex. The idea of being in control and using my mouth to give pleasure to someone fascinates me. It’s beautiful, powerful and exciting. What I don’t like though, is when I’m not appreciated after I try really hard down there (believe me, I always do). Is a kiss too much to ask?
And again, it happened multiple times. Once, a guy kept on turning his head around when I tried to kiss him after he came straight into my mouth. Finally, he politely suggested, ‘maybe you’ll brush teeth first?’ and got me shocked. Sure, hygiene is important but the same thought didn’t even cross your mind when we had takeaway during Netflix and we dove into chill right after. The other one was more direct and said, ‘Sorry, I just think it’s a bit gross.’ Excuse me, I just held your dick in my mouth (in my throat, actually). Isn’t that grosser?
I didn’t get an answer.