The Most Underwhelming Sex Of My Life

The higher the expectations, the bigger the disappointment.


Recently, I’ve shared multiple spectacular sex stories in this column, and not gonna lie, I’ve been quite lucky in that sense. Fabulous sex, perfect bodies, big dicks (sorry, I had to), threesomes, porn fantasies, yeah, I was having the best time. But I want you to know that, although I definitely shouldn’t complain about my sex life, simultaneously, it’s not always fun and games. Sometimes, it’s quite the opposite, actually.

I care about sex a lot (can you tell?), but I also keep repeating that no sex is better than a bad one. I wish I remembered about that principle before this underwhelming episode took place in my life. Initially, it seemed very promising. I met this guy on a dating app, I think I texted him first because I found him very attractive, and I thoroughly enjoyed our sexting. It wasn’t too obvious which made it even hotter. He revealed that he liked to take his time for a good foreplay, which I’m highly into as well and he agreed that he wouldn’t stay the night, which I always try to avoid at all costs. But, most importantly, he asked my favorite question which sounded like music to my ears.

‘Are you vanilla or are you more adventurous,’ his quite euphemistic and indirect text immediately suggested that he was kinky. My experience shows that dom(me) people always make sure of that preference, in more or less literal ways, before they go further. That’s why, for a submissive girl like me, this type of question usually foreshadows great sex. So yeah, I’m the opposite of vanilla, I replied, and I could tell that he appreciated my confession too.

Before we got on with our kinky adventure we decided to get a drink to talk more deeply about our expectations and preferences. The chat was good, mostly because I don’t have many kinky friends. Since my journey of discovering my true sexual self was quite bumpy, I always find it comforting and interesting to hear of other people’s experiences. But sadly, I had an impression that, although he was kinky, our kinks wouldn’t match anyway.

Let me be clear, I absolutely do not intend to shame him. I said it before and I'll say it again: all kinks are cool, all kinks are fine but not all of them are for me (and the other way round). He, for example, was into fantasy roleplay. I can totally see why it’s a turn-on for some people but it’s definitely not my cup of tea. Moreover, although he wasn’t particularly big on petplay, he admitted that he would enjoy it if his partner dressed up as a cat, for example. Again, the pet community is huge, and I have a lot of respect for them, but I don’t feel like engaging with this type of play. Simple.

My kinks, on the other hand, are arguably more basic. Among many things, I’m into school roleplay, I’m a huge fan of verbal humiliation and I love domestic discipline, which is why, one of my favorite (but not limited to) dom(me) types is a loving and caring, yet simultaneously, heavily sadistic and cruel daddy. Yes, with an emphasis on that word, which, conversely, was a deal-breaker for him. And of course, I would never disrespect his boundaries because they are the most crucial element of all intercourses, particularly kinky ones. I couldn’t help the feeling, though that this simply just wouldn’t work.

However, there were still some points of intersection between us (heavy spanking, spanking toys, throat-fucking, and so on), so I decided to give it a go and asked him over. From that point onwards, it all went down the hill. I think neither of us enjoyed what we did cause the expectations for great sex were too high. On my end, I was really nervous that one of us would somehow turn the other off. Usually, I am very present during sex, I like it when my dom(me) talks to me, while I reply and look directly at them. This time, though I closed my eyes and completely disconnected. Perhaps I was stressed that ‘daddy’ would slip out of my mouth? Who knows.

He, on the other hand, was dominant but not in a way that I find enjoyable, personally. According to me, a perfect dom(me) takes their time, leaves me hanging, lets me wait, slowly destroying me and almost making me beg for mercy. He was too fast, too aggressive, too keen, and, as a result, boring and underwhelming.

Underwhelming. That’s the very word that immediately crossed my mind, but he actually said it out loud. Initially, I frowned upon the sound of it because, after admitting to me earlier that he never achieved orgasm from a blowjob, he actually fucked my throat, came on my face, and that’s how we finished off. Maybe describing the first oral orgasm in your life as underwhelming is a bit of an understatement? Yet, I’m aware that coming is not the first thing that a dom(me) cares about and actually, it felt refreshing to hear his true opinion. Yes, it was very much underwhelming, while often, after mediocre sex, people choose to pretend that it was great either way.

So, the first consolation prize of this miserable story is that an expression of your true opinion after intercourse, although sometimes surprising and seemingly too direct, is actually way less harmful than pretending. Don’t say that you will call someone if you have absolutely zero intentions to do so. No, we will never see each other again cause this sex definitely didn’t meet our expectations but all the very best to you, bye, see you never.

Secondly, it may sound funny, but I learned that my sex will not always be spectacular, fabulous, and full of orgasms. Sometimes it will be cringy, disappointing, and yes, magic word, underwhelming. Every sex though brings a particular kind of lesson and that’s the one I’m leaving here today. It’s extremely important to know what you like but it is also equally crucial to know what to avoid. Personally, from now on, I’ll try to avoid high expectations. What about you?

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