The Ultimate Summer 2021 Bang/Kill/Marry
There are no right or wrong answers, but there are devastating outcomes.
Summer is upon us, and as long road trips, breezy evenings sipping rosé, and backyard BBQs commence, we’re headed toward some much-needed in-person bonding time. It’s time to focus our conversations on the important things. We’ve compiled a painfully difficult list of Bang/Kill/Marry questions for your introspective pleasure. Warning: disagreements will ensue, eyes will be opened, and friendships could be torn apart, so enter at your own risk.
The Hot Girl Summer Spokespeople
Megan Thee Stallion/ Olivia Rodrigo/ Billie Eilish
Hot Girl Summer: the reason for the season. In summer ‘19, Megan Thee Stallion brought us the Hot Girl Summer anthem. Now, as summer ‘21 begins, Olivia Rodrigo reminds us that hell hath no fury like a hot girl scorned. And, with Billie Eilish’s highly anticipated album, Happier Than Ever, set to be released right at peak summer, she’s… well, hotter than ever. Pick your poison (and then pour it into a piña colada.) Real hot girl shit.
The Men Who Could Bench Press You
Kumail Nanjiani/ Henry Cavill/ Jason Momoa
Sometimes we just want to know that when it comes time for our Dirty Dancing re-enactment, our partner will be able to Swayze us right over his head with no fear of falling. In that way, you can’t go wrong here. But, which one will be for one night, which will be for life, and which one must die?
The Capitalist D-Bags
Elon Musk/ Jeff Bezos/ Joe Rogan
Oh wow—two of these options are going to suck!! While there’s a 100% chance of having your vows mansplained to you, there’s also a possibility of being able to redistribute the wealth post-murder, so always look on the bright side! (Reminder to take into consideration that two of them may be headed to space.)
The A-list Asses
Beyonce/ Kim Kardashian/ Lorde
It may seem unfair pitting others against the bootylicious queen, herself, but as is true with everything, butts are a matter of taste. Lorde recently stepped onto the scene revealing a rather unorthodox ass angle on her Solar Power cover art, placing herself on the Butts To Watch list alongside Queen Bey and the butt that broke the internet. As they say in the biz, opinions are like asses… Let’s talk about ‘em!
The Box Office Baddies
Godzilla/ Cruella/ King Kong
Size queens and dalmatian-lovers, alike, are sure to choose one of the not-so-gentle giants to wed over the villain of the hour. But, while her theme song calls her an “inhuman beast,” she’s the most human of these big screen besties, which may give her a (fishnet stocking’d) leg up on the competition. We don’t know a lot about Godzilla VS. Kong (including who won.) What we do know is that neither of them wears clothes, so as a famed fashionista, Cruella could certainly blow these two out of the water in a runway walk-off. And, let’s be real– any one that you choose to kill will be for the betterment of all human(or dog)kind.
The Chrises
Chris Evans/ Chris Hemsworth/ Chris Pratt
So many Chrises; so little time. Sometimes we can’t remember who’s who, so if all else fails, just compare chiseled jaws and which of the three last names you’d prefer to take after the big day.
The Weirdly Sexualized Anthropomorphic Animals
The Old Lola Bunny/ Miss Piggy/ The New Lola Bunny
The internet was up-in-arms when the new Lola Bunny ruined some folks’ childhood bunny fantasies, covering up her famously thick thighs and putting her in a high impact sports bra. But, whether the old Lola or the new Lola is more your speed, we can all appreciate a pig who can pull off anything like Miss Piggy. The epitome of glam, she mastered fake lashes for everyday before the rest of us. All the same, we doubt she’d be caught dead shooting hoops. In these shoes?!
The Mr. Steal Our Girls
A$AP Rocky/ Machine Gun Kelly/ Dalton Gomez
It takes a truly special person to win the affection of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelorettes, and these guys did it. From the dude wearing Megan Fox’s blood around his neck to the only person who’s ever called Rihanna “the one” and actually been right to Ariana’s new hubby: the man who gives single realtors with mega-hot clients everywhere hope, these guys won some truly coveted hearts. Now, which one are you gonna steal from his perfect match?
The Royal Blush
Prince Nikolai/ Regé-Jean Page/ Prince Harry
If you don’t know Prince Nikolai, he’s Danish royalty, and the internet knows him as the world’s most handsome IRL prince. And, not only is he an actual prince, but his face (and abs) live up to the title. If Disney-worthy good looks aren’t your cup of (afternoon) tea, maybe you’re more into the type of guy who will put your needs before everything and hold your hand through it all like Prince Harry. Or, perhaps you’re just in search of a guy who will teach you how to… feel yourself like Regé-Jean Page’s character in Bridgerton. Either way, there’s something here for everyone. Who would you most like to share the throne with?
The Saviors Of Summer
Dolly Parton/ Joe Exotic/ Dr. Fauci
It’s impossible to enjoy this summer without thanking those who helped us get here. Choose your fighter: Dr. Fauci (who’s included with all due respect,) Dolly Parton (who showed us that getting vaccinated kicks ass,) and the Tiger King, himself, Joe Exotic (remember? Binge watching this absolute weirdo got all of us through that early part of quarantine. Feels like a decade ago…)
How does it feel having successfully made 10 of the most difficult decisions of your life? Give yourself a pat on the back, pour a White Claw into a glass (it’s classier that way,) and start coming up with your own hardest Bang/Kill/Marry questions. By the end of the day, you’ll have a body count, other kind of body count, and polygamist spouse count to rival the temperature on the beach this summer. Cheers!
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