It’s Time To Get A Remote Control Vibrator

“I’m thinking of getting a vibrator that’s controlled over WiFi,” was not the least surprising Wednesday evening text I could’ve received. I’d heard of the concept before. Years ago, a friend had told me about getting one with a long-distance Tinder flame, and from the moment she mentioned it, I thought it was an impossibly convenient way to have sex from afar– a massive improvement from the “cybering” of yesteryear.

My boyfriend lives about an hour away, so while we’re physically together every weekend and definitely wouldn’t fall under the long distance category, there are plenty of days out of the week that are reserved for sexting. I replied to the text with enthusiasm, despite not knowing entirely what this entailed. I was intrigued.

When we saw each other for the first time post-new-sex-toy-arrival, he brought it out and placed it in my open palm. It looked to be a very accurate enlarged 3D model of a hot pink sperm– a bulb with a tail attached. The irony of the vibrator to keep us sexually connected when we were apart looking like a sperm was not lost on me. After some much needed in-person sex, we lay on the couch, and I decided to give the vibrating sperm a test drive free from the demands of any immediate horniness. I slid the bulb up into me and nestled it comfortably inside. He used the app on his phone to start the vibration. I rarely derive any pleasure from a vaginal vibrator, so I wasn’t too surprised when this just felt like a particularly disruptive tampon. The tail was meant to be tucked into underwear for discrete clit stimulation while in public (a sex act I didn’t yet feel bold enough to attempt.) I pulled the end of the tail forward to secure it in place. 

At that moment, the timelessly annoying song, I Like To Move It (yes… you know the one) burst from his phone’s speaker, and the vibrator pulsed in rhythm with the music as he laughed. This was my first knowledge of this alarming feature, and while his choice of song was definitely a joke, I couldn’t imagine the situation in which someone would want the capability to sync their vibrator up to their Spotify. “Maybe it’s for people who like raves,” he suggested before tapping his phone, thereby causing the inside of my vagina to begin throbbing to the beat of the Ducktales theme song. I considered this my cue to pull it out for now.

A few days later, I lay at home alone in bed when my phone lit up. “Let’s try the vibrator,” it said. I downloaded the app which would let him operate the toy from all the way across the state.

I slid it in, and the app notified me that he was starting to operate it. I gave his phone permission to take control of the toy without notifying me first– a surprisingly satisfying version of clicking a I read the Terms of Use box. As the vibrating started, I felt like he was trying to speak to my clit in morse code. It’d pulse for a second and then… crickets. I continued to wriggle around, pushing the tail down harder, and trying to lean into the sexting and ignore what felt like a series of secret knocks being repeatedly performed on my crotch.

As our sexting intensified, I grew impatient for him to get the right rhythm. I grabbed my tried-and-true, favorite vibrator from my bedside table and pressed it to my clit beside the big sperm vibrator’s tail as the drum solo continued on inside me. With brightly colored silicone resting on all parts of me, I felt a bit like a rainbow octopus with humming tentacles.

I realized that beside the obvious learning curve of operating a vibrator from miles away, my boyfriend actually didn’t have a lot of experience using a vibrator on me or even seeing how I use it on myself. In the same way that testing out a new sex toy or having sex with a new partner takes some getting used to, relinquishing control of my vibrator to him during virtual sex required a brand new skill set for both of us. Instead of masturbating while he narrates an imaginary scenario like usual, this is more like a threesome with your partner and a robot (okay… not exactly, but you get the idea.) And, like anything else, communication is key. With a gentle suggestion that I prefer a steady stream of stimulation over a series of taps (and certainly over any Disney channel theme song,) we mastered the art of the long distance vibrator. I can now say with full confidence that if you’re ready to supplement your sexting, this is the investment you need to make; just be prepared for a bit of studying before graduating to multiple orgasms.

Next Up, The Art Of Taking Good Nudes