Paying An Etsy Witch To Put A Curse On Them, And Other Ways To Get Revenge

After my last situationship ended, I found myself, on one cold, vulnerable evening, circling the dark corner of the internet where you can pay an Etsy witch to put a curse on someone. And I had one person in mind.

I’d had one (too many) glass(es) of wine, and had allowed the fire of rage in my chest to grow brighter and bigger after agonising over the details of the not-so-relationship’s downfall, and in midst of all the disappointment I realised that I couldn’t house the rage in my chest forever. So, I decided to seek out the revenge that felt best at the time – witchcraft. I’m not saying this was the smartest idea, but somewhere in between hovering over the love potions, and the impotence curses, I reached a moment of clarity: sometimes rising above it is the last thing you want to do.

In the end, I didn’t go along with my plot to ruin his sex life, the curse was too expensive to be compatible with a student budget. Though my little epiphany doesn’t necessarily work alongside personal growth, or ‘being the bigger person’, it helped me to realise that revenge, in small, legal ways, can feel so much more healing than forgiveness. And if you’re seeking out a slightly messy, tumultuous road to post-breakup clarity, here are some methods of getting the revenge you’re seeking without sacrificing (all of) your dignity.

Spread a rumour!

JUST KIDDING, this is petty, immoral, and a piece of advice that you would never receive from your mum (which probably makes it bad)! But, one way that I’ve found helps dry my tears a little quicker when I’m in the pits of it, is by making up a fake-fact about them that me and my friends use, when I start to feel blinded by the rose-tinted glasses again. It sounds bizarre, but sometimes it can feel quite healing to say that they secretly eat their own boogers or are allergic to joy.

When you’re nurturing the dangerous train of thought that holds the belief it didn’t have to end between you two, bringing up the real reasons why it did can be the antithesis of what you need. So, you make up some stupid reason to remind yourself why it did, without it digging up the past. It works - trust me, I’ve referred to every man who’s ever made my best friend cry as illiterate, and it makes her laugh, and God forbid someone were to overhear and think it’s true!

Be Successful!

This one’s a classic, and is admittedly more mature than the others, but maybe less fun. This is where you channel all the anger, all the words that you swallowed, all the things that upset you, and you put them into something to better yourself. Maybe it’s your schoolwork, your career, your friendships, the gym, anything! Because if nothing else you should almost treat the breakup trenches like an excuse to focus on yourself!

This also acts as an amazing distraction! What was that? He happy birthdayed his way back into your life? Oh, that’s such a shame that you were too busy getting straight As to notice! At the end of the day, feeling better than them, even in only one way, is pretty good revenge.

Pay an Etsy witch to curse them!

Follow in my footsteps! If you have the money, and feel slightly braver than I did on that fateful night, you should go along with your impulse. Who’s to say that you should suppress your cravings? Ruin their life if you genuinely believe that it’ll help you on your journey to loving yourself! I’m not even going to attempt to frame this as good advice, I’m honestly just a little curious to see if it’ll work. But I do think that just the act of putting it into your basket could feel quite cathartic, even if you don’t go through with the transaction. For a moment, you had the intention of carrying out an action that shows you have enough self-respect to acknowledge that whatever they did was wrong, which at times, can be quite hard to admit.

Look really good!

Now, this might be my favourite, because it’s the form of revenge that will actively help you feel like the best version of yourself, and grants a makeover montage. Buy a whole new skincare routine, or a new wardrobe, or both! Change your style completely if you need to! Get a haircut – although, given your delicate state, don’t make any impulse decisions, regarding breakup bangs, without consulting your best friend. Whatever you need to do to make yourself feel like you’re filling that crater in your chest, do it! Maybe your new look will result in you regaining a social media presence, for them to accidentally stumble upon and kick themselves at the sight of you. That couldn’t hurt!

Move on!

I’m not talking about indulging in a rebound, I’m talking about finding something that is better for you. This might be practicing breathing exercises, moving to a new place, or shaking the habits that had you sending ‘good morning’ texts, but just try and find ways that’ll stop you from feeling like they’re still an important part of your life. If you’re still in their orbit, you’re not healed. You need to get out of their solar system, and start one where you’re at the centre. Moving on will not only be the best thing that you can do for you, it also shows them that you’re not bothered anymore – which is the best revenge.

Ultimately, these are not about taking measures to ensure that they suffer for the pain they caused (unless the Etsy witch actually works). You can do whatever helps you feel better, but time is the ultimate revenge – if it doesn’t bring about karmic justice so that the universe avenges you by making him go bald, it’ll give you the space that you need to get rid of all the hate that you’re feeling.

You can take the measures to get revenge, but you’re not really trying to hurt them, you’re just trying to get your power back. And if the only thing that you can do to regain your strength is paying the $30 to put a curse on them, then I hope it works!