How To Set Boundaries With Male Centered Friends?

So, you have a friend who is boy crazy. Every day she talks about, how she’s tired of being alone, she needs a man, when she’s going to get a man and when she does get a man, she uses the disappearing act on you, leaving you confused and frustrated. Even when she comes back like nothing happened, which she will, you may get a sense that it’s only for a short therapy session, giving her that same advice over and over until you are left mentally and emotionally drained, and at the end of it all, she still goes back to him.

Sometimes, you may even feel that it’s a one-sided friendship, and when it’s your time for emotional support from her, whatever the case may be, she always flips all the attention onto her and start making it all about her relationship with her man. If this sounds like your situation, then this may be an indicator that you are dealing with a male centered friend, and it is time to start setting those healthy boundaries by reinforming, “The girl code.”

What is girl code? 

A set of unspoken sacred rules that girlfriends must follow and not break. The infamous “dos and don’ts” to maintain trust and have a long-lasting healthy friendship. Before I list a few girl code rules and boundaries that applies to a friendship with a male centered woman, I’d like to share a quote that I believe best resonates for this topic and what a loyal friend should be.

“Be a woman other women can trust. Have courage to tell another woman directly when she has offended, hurt or disappointed you. Successful women have a loyal tribe of loyal and honest women behind them. Not haters. Not backstabbers or women who whisper behind their back. Be a woman who lifts other women.” - Sophia A. Nelson

Here are some important girl code rules that your bestie is expected to follow if you believe that you are dealing with a male centered friend and are needing guidance on how to set boundaries.

Don’t let a man get in between your friendship!

The number 1 and most important rule! Men aren’t worth losing a friendship over. I get it, you and your friend’s new boo may not see eye to eye when it comes to making the right decisions for your friend and there may be some tension brewing between the two of you because of it, but don’t let your friend forget that you were the one who was there for her many years, through thick and thin, and he just came in the picture acting like he knows her best. If your friend refuses to acknowledge that and is never on your side anymore, this is a huge red flag and confirmation that she is a male centered woman. My advice to you is to be direct but kind and express how you feel. Do not give her an ultimatum because at the end of the day, it’s her decision on how she wants to handle things. You cannot make her feel or do what she doesn’t want to do but let her understand your role as a friend and your concerns about her well-being. It is only fair to show that you care and value your friendship.

Girl’s day

A girl’s day is important to have with your girlfriends. It’s a special and intimate time to go and do whatever to catch up and spend time together. Just the two of you, but if there is ever a case where you guys are out and your friend is obviously looking for a man and can’t seem to enjoy herself without a man smiling in her face, I hate to break it to you but she is not interested in hanging out with you in the first place, and is using you as her gateway ticket to go lurk for a man. In this case, if you believe that this sounds like your friend and you have confronted her on this behavior, but she continues to act this way, you are dealing with a male centered friend. The best way to resolve this, is to either choose another friend to go out with who mesh’s well with your energy or never ask her to go places with you again and start planning fun stuff to do alone. From personal experiences with past friends who have done this to me, I have decided to this day, to start planning things to do for myself, and go alone, and believe it or not, it is so refreshing! Self-love is the best love that you can ever give yourself.

Do not follow exes or their new woman on social media!

You are not Harriet the spy. If your friend asks you to follow her ex to keep tabs on him and his new woman, and she obsessively compares herself to his new girl and her past relationship with her ex to you, this is not okay. It is none of your business and role as a friend. If your friend has a lot going on besides that, like school, her career or kids, the best way to handle this situation is to try to get her to redirect her attention on her own issues and important things in her life and not get distracted on what her ex got going on. Give her some tough love. Maybe be a little sarcastic and tell her that it seems like her ex is focused on himself and doing what he has to make himself happy, and she can too. Trust me, it will probably open her eyes a little on the foolish things she is doing.

Be honest about your friend’s new lover 

Let’s be frank, we might not approve of our friend’s new boyfriend just yet and there may be some distance between you and your bestie since she has been spending most of her time with her new man. That is to be expected. However, if you have noticed some red flags about her man, such as your impression of him upon the first initial meeting, hearing things about him through another friend or seeing something unusual on social media, kindly express your concerns to her, and if she disagrees and doesn’t see or wants to see those red flags, and continues to date him, it’s best to let her be and leave your opinions to yourself, and never bring up your concerns about him to her ever again. One time is enough. This could turn into an awkward, ugly situation if you do because you don’t want her to feel that you are controlling her and her decisions. Eventually, she will see later and regret never listening to you in the beginning but if she’s a male centered woman, be prepared for the “stranger act” she’s going to pull on you and when she does, take a deep breath and start putting yourself and your priorities first. I have learned that friends come and go as I’ve gotten older, and I realized that some of them weren’t really my friends to begin with. Secondhand stress kills. It doesn’t discriminate on age or gender. So, it’s okay to be selfish and take care of yourself and your needs.

Not a Personal therapist

It’s okay for your girlfriends to vent and vice versa. That’s what friends are for. To support and give guidance without any judgement (depends on the situation) but if there is ever a case where your friend always has a new guy every other week or every other month, and things aren’t working out. Maybe your friend is always blaming herself and keeps complaining that she keeps attracting the same kind of men, and you keep giving her that same advice over and over, and it seems like your advice is not registering in her thick skull. It is best to express to your friend that, though you are there whenever she is needing your help and support, you are not Dr. Phil. You have problems of your own and you do not have the mental capacity to take in hers too. It’s totally not fair to you and it’s very unhealthy, and she needs to consider seeking professional help. Now, after you have confronted to your friend about your feelings and this behavior continues, and it’s giving you a raging headache, it’s time to cut ties because this is toxic for your mental state and well-being, and it is not worth you seeking professional help too.

Why is it important to set healthy boundaries?

-Asserting your rights!

It is important to start standing up for yourself and be clear of what is accepted and what is not to you. By setting boundaries, it’s more than likely that others will respect you and your opinions if you do.

-Retaining your identity

You don’t want to lose your sense of identity and become someone you’re not. It forms a lack of certainty and confidence within yourself, leaving you feeling lost and confused to the point where you may not know who you are anymore.

Setting boundaries will help separate you from other people who are used to following the crowd, and give you space to be your true authentic self.

-Preventing a burnout

When you are too busy pleasing others and putting their needs before yours, it can be very exhausting. You will be prone to unwanted mood swings such as lack of sleep, anger and resentment. From my personal experiences, I can admit that I am a victim of this, and it has affected my relationships with people I love and care about, and mental state and well-being. The people who were my friends in the past got used to the special treatment, and it was never reciprocated. You don’t want to buy friends. You will never know if you are being used or dealing with a true friend if you do. Setting healthy boundaries in this case will decrease stress and allow you to give all that attention to yourself. Again, it’s nothing wrong with self-love. It is needed, and it’s very alluring that you will be surprised of how many new, true authentic friends you will attract. It's all about that energy. So, be selfish and love yourself more.