Is It Possible To Recognize A Potential Stalker?

In the beginning, Anthony* seemed perfect. I had commented on one of his posts in an online community — something about the way he expressed his thoughts struck me as unusually deep and sharp. He messaged me later, and we began a long, personal correspondence that eventually led to a real-life meeting. In person, I liked him even more: he was handsome, funny, well-established, and incredibly intelligent. At that time, I had no idea that within just two weeks, he would turn my life into a nightmare filled with stalking and threats.

Honestly, I never thought something like this could happen to me. Like many people, I saw stalking as something distant or unlikely. But the truth is, it happens far more often than we think. In fact, statistics show that one in seven people in the UK have experienced stalking at least once in their life.

But is it possible to recognize a potential stalker? There are no clear-cut signs that would guarantee it. However, I’d like to share a few things I pay more attention to now.

Ignoring Boundaries Isn’t Love

That’s exactly what Anthony did — he always knew what was “better” for me. At first, it even came across as caring. But the longer it went on, the more it started to feel unsettling.

One clear example of that was when I tried to introduce him to a couple of my friends. We were all nineteen and broke students; he, on the other hand, was a few years older and already had a stable, well-paying job. We spent a while trying to figure out where to go, and in the end, it all turned into a scene.

Anthony insisted we go to some fancy place, completely ignoring the fact that some of us couldn’t afford it — and that others might feel uncomfortable with him paying for everyone. His unshakable argument? That he simply couldn’t allow me to eat a low-quality meal — even though that was exactly what I wanted.

This kind of “care” can seem charming at first. But just like he ignored my wishes in that situation, he ignored my “no” in a much broader sense.

After I left him, he started showing up everywhere I went — anywhere he could gain access to. He began “coincidentally” appearing near my dorm and my university. Somehow, he even became a speaker at the events series I was helping to organize. All of this was accompanied by countless calls and messages, including threats to kill me — and then himself — if I didn’t let him “make me happy.”

Fixation Isn’t Devotion

That’s what my friend Lisa realized when she later analyzed her connection with Alex — a relationship that only ended after the police got involved. She hadn’t been particularly interested in him at first, but eventually decided to give Alex a chance, just to see if something meaningful could come out of it.

He, however, was highly obsessed with Lisa from the start. And while at the beginning it might have seemed sweet or flattering, over time it grew more and more frustrating and confusing.

“We had agreed to meet in the park at 2 p.m.,” Lisa told me, “And he waited outside my apartment from 10 a.m. He lived 40 minutes away by taxi, 30 minutes from the park — I was just 10–15 minutes away, and yet he came all the way across the city just to wait in my courtyard.”

He would sit outside her building for hours, sometimes showing up even when they hadn’t planned to see each other. And of course, when Liza decided to end things, his obsession didn’t stop. Despite the fact that she moved to another country, he began flooding her with thousands of messages every day from different accounts, making it nearly impossible to block him. Somehow, he even found her new address and started sending gifts there. Moreover, as she later learned from mutual acquaintances, he had even tried to apply for a visa — just to travel to the country where she was now studying.

Emotional Pressure Isn’t Affection

Another stalking experience happened to me when I had already been in a relationship with another man. With Max, we were collaborating on a project, which meant we were spending a lot of time together. At some point, he started telling me he had feelings for me — feelings I did not reciprocate. Then, Max said he respected my boundaries, yet he continued to bring up his emotions, even though I repeatedly asked him to stop.

In the beginning, it can seem like conversations you don’t enjoy aren’t doing any harm — but that’s often the first sign of a boundary being crossed.

Over time, our communication turned into emotional manipulation. He started using guilt and pity to pressure me. “The women I fall in love with never stay with me,” he said to me, crying. “If we had even a short time together, it would be easier than having nothing at all.” When I asked him once again to stop talking about his feelings, he told me that nothing could ever make him stop talking about this.

After I ended our project sooner than planned, he began sending even more messages — and soon, they escalated into suicide threats if I didn’t leave my partner for him. And even when I blocked him, his friends started messaging me instead. They told me how badly I had hurt Max and even sent me videos of him talking to a psychiatrist about how broken he was after I cut off contact. What he did to me was called proxy stalking: using other people to continue stalking even after being blocked. It only stopped when I happened to move to another country shortly after, for unrelated reasons.

What To Do If You’re Being Stalked

“Your safety comes first,” says Dariia Bobkova, a psychotherapist. “Avoid all contact with the stalker, change your routines and routes, check your social media privacy settings, update your passwords, and avoid sharing your location publicly. Tell someone close to you about the situation — getting support and help matters. Take care of your emotional well-being: stay connected with friends, practice calming techniques, and consider talking to a therapist. Don’t let fear isolate you — you are not alone, and there are ways to protect yourself.”

It’s also important to remember that stalking isn’t just quirky or strange behavior — it’s a deeply harmful form of abuse, and in many countries, it’s recognized as a serious criminal offense.

In Lisa’s case, she was able to achieve legal consequences for her stalker, and only then did the harassment finally stop. Despite the fact that he lived in another country, the report she filed with the German police brought results. According to mutual acquaintances, Alex lost his job and had to go into hiding from local authorities. Lisa never heard from him again.

But unfortunately, not every country — and not every case — leads to accountability. This once again highlights the broader issue of how women’s safety is protected around the world.

My story with Anthony happened in a place where there was no specific law that could have protected me in such a situation. For several months, while the stalking continued, I had to be extremely cautious. Even during the day, I avoided leaving the dormitory without friends by my side.

These are my stories, and Lisa’s — but the truth is, so many others could share similar experiences. If this has happened to you too — you’re not alone. You are not broken. And it’s absolutely not your fault. 

*Most names in this article are changed.