How To Calm The Fuck Down Before A First Date

So, you're about to go on a first date – your first date in a very long time. But, let's be real here, the only reason you've been off the market for so long is because you've been in a committed relationship (with your Womanizer Pro) and not because you're not a total catch. Thing is, vibrators can't buy you drinks, they can't order you pizza, and, well, they can't make you laugh and do all those cute couple things you've suddenly realized you've been missing out on. Thankfully, the modern equivalent of the Lonely Hearts column and every Millennial's favorite wingman, Mr Tinder, has done a stellar job at the matchmaking process and delivered a solid seven and a half right into your hands, or you finally had the good fortune to find a sugar daddy on one of those dating apps. It's now or never. 

So here you are, only a few hours till the big event, teetering on the threshold of an encounter that could change your life, at best, or make you feel extremely uncomfortable, at worst. You're bound to be feeling a little nervous. But before you cave in to the adorable smiling face of your trusty ol' bong for a big hit of the good stuff – seriously, the last thing you need is couch lock and paranoia – read on for our totally sound and useful guide on how to calm the fuck down before a first date.

Take deep breath

Okay, we're starting off nice 'n' easy here with something you're bound to be familiar with from all those evenings spent honing your orgasm technique: deep breathing. Focusing on your breath is a great way to bring your attention away from the overcooked thought spaghetti in your mind and into the present moment. Screw fidget spinners, stress balls and fucking unicorn glitter slime – even if you are literally a four year-old inside – deep breathing is the number-one stress reliever. It lowers your blood pressure and heart rate, and it's free – yes, that heady cocktail of nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide and stomach gas you're inhaling right now is indeed absolutely free. There are tons of meditative deep breathing techniques out there but breathing in whilst counting to six, holding your breath for six and exhaling for a count of six, is probably the simplest to remember – because 666.

Do some squats

No, we're not talking about the squats you habitually do over your flat's shared bathroom toilet, or Berlin's punktastic Rigaer Straße, we're talking about the exercise kind, the kind that turns that cutie booty of yours into a frickin' emoji. There's nothing better than a bit of exercise to get those endorphins pumping, relieve stress and boost your confidence, but since you don't want to be sweating your fucking soul out going for your first run in, well, too long ago to remember, squats make the perfect pre-date workout. Also, your date is definitely gonna be checking out the goods, so you might as well be a badass with a good ass. Don't cha wish your girlfriend could squat like me? Don't chaaa...

Take a bat

We know what you're thinking: Who are you, my frickin' mom? Well, actually no, because when has she ever given you any useful dating advice whatsoever? Don't worry, it's not because you stink or anything – you are stinking gorgeous, we'll give you that – but having a nice warm soak is guaranteed to relax your muscles and ease tension. Added bonus: you'll be all cleaned up for the big date afterward – winner! So load up that tub with whatever overscented gimmicks you've got in your bathroom arsenal – permission to crank out that fidget spinner bath bomb – break out some candles and try not to fall asleep and dissolve yourself. There's no date without U, after all...oh shit, actually yeah there totally is.

Have a massag

Whilst many people “store” stress and anxiety in their necks and shoulders, others build up their bodily tensions distinctly below the belt. What are we saying here? Have a fucking wank. Normal-people massages are all well and good – who doesn't want to leave the salon feeling like an overworked blob of pizza dough? – but, unless you're going for the happy kind, they just don't leave you feeling anywhere near as zen as a couple of lubed-up fingers to the clit. You feel me? Not only is being in touch with your body on the big day a sure fire way to get you feeling sexy, but it's a nice tactic if you don't want to go into the date like a bitch on heat and wake up the next morning in regret. Pro tip: if you own one of those super-nifty lipstick vibrators, there's definitely no harm in taking it along. Extra pro tip: make like the medieval courtesans and dab a bit of that “juice” onto your neck as a perfume cassolette and your pheromones will drive him wild – think of it as your dirty little secret weapon.

Distract yourself

You procrastinate on everything else that's important so why stop here? Instead of, you know, thinking positive thoughts and practising icebreakers, choose any of the following methods of distraction and you'll soon find yourself a lot more chill: read a book; watch Netflix (for the love of God, not The Notebook); scroll endlessly through Instagram Explore; buy sneakers; do some more masturbation; get stuck into that 1000-piece Thomas the Tank Engine puzzle you bought when you were stoned and never got around to actually unboxing. And if all else fails, the world's most awful dating advice – i.e the group chat – is just a DM away.

Calmed the fuck down yet? Amazing. The only thing left to do? Go and knock his little box-logo socks off. Oh, and if you want to get yourself feeling like an uber-vixen, here's how to boost your sexual confidence.