Why Do They Keep Texting You but Never Want to Meet You?

They met on Tinder and couldn’t stop texting. From the very beginning, Kate was sure she had met the one. "He’s the smartest man I’ve ever talked to," she told me. "It’s like he understands me better than anyone else." And the best part? He was planning to move to her city very soon. After that, as she imagined, they would finally be together — and live happily ever after.

But "soon" turned out to be a very flexible concept. First, he was supposed to move in October. Then it was pushed to November, later to February, then to April. And when April came and went, he postponed it to June. And yes — in June, he postponed it again. Meanwhile, every time Kate asked him to visit, he would just say, "Why visit? I’m moving there soon anyway."

By that time, Kate was already in love — entirely and hopelessly. And although he never promised her an exclusive relationship, she couldn’t bring herself to date anyone else. "No one is even close to being as interesting as he is," she confessed over coffee.

Sounds familiar? If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in an endless chat with a person who keeps saying they "want to see you soon" but never actually show up — you’re definitely not alone. But why do some people text for months and even years, acting like they care, yet avoid meeting in real life?

Here are some possible reasons behind this confusing dating behavior.

Their low self-esteem

That’s probably what happened with Kate. The guy she had been texting for months had only sent her one photo — and even that seemed pretty old. In it, there was a tall, handsome, dark-haired man smiling at the camera. Every time Kate asked for more photos, he had the same answer: "I just don’t like taking pictures."

But later, the truth came out. One evening, when Kate was feeling especially confused and desperate to figure out what was really going on, she found a recent photo of him on his company’s website.

"He’s actually very overweight," she told me that night. "It’s not like I care much — but I think he does."

She even tried to hint that she was totally fine with it — but nothing changed. They never met in the end.

And here’s the thing: online, it’s so much easier to show only the version of yourself you want others to see. For someone who feels insecure about their real — or even imagined — flaws, hiding behind a screen can feel much safer than facing the vulnerability of meeting in person and being truly seen. At the same time, knowing that someone is emotionally attached to them can give their ego a boost.

Their long-term relationship

My other friend, Vicky, spent about six months texting a guy who was in a long-term relationship. "We are in a really bad place with my girlfriend," he told her, hinting that a breakup might be coming. But somehow, that breakup never happened. It seemed like he wasn’t actually ready to leave his partner. Instead, he was looking for another woman online. One he never really planned to meet, even though his messages were full of sweet words and declarations of love.

But it’s not just relationship problems that push committed partners into endless texting.

"I like the feeling of an emotional adventure," Adam, a married man who occasionally texts women online, once told me. "Texting gives me a sense of being attractive and relevant."

It’s not that he’s unhappy in his marriage or even looking for a real affair — at least, not one that would ever leave the screen. For Adam, messaging is enough. It boosts his confidence and gives him a bit of emotional variety, all while relatively safely staying within the bounds of marriage.

So, in the end, the Internet becomes a kind of safe escape for people in relationships — a space to fulfill emotional needs without risking real-life consequences. And in the best-case scenario, both sides know that’s what’s happening and don’t expect anything more.

Their boredom

"It never really happens to me that guys want to text endlessly without a meeting," Lucy replied when I asked her my research questions. "But you know, that’s actually what I do myself — a lot."

It turns out Lucy sends plenty of messages to men but very rarely agrees to meet up. With some, she exchanges just a few texts. With others, she keeps casually messaging for years.

"It’s not like it boosts my self-esteem or anything," she explained. "It’s just boredom sometimes — and the fun of talking to someone new."

For people like Lucy, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s you they’re texting today or someone else tomorrow. What matters is the little spark of novelty, a way to break the routine and have some light entertainment. And honestly, can we even call that a bad thing — if both people are on the same page about what they want from this connection?

Why do we fall for it?

There can be endless reasons why people fall for constant texters — and often, these reasons mirror the texters’ own motives. At the same time, the Internet has long become more than just a communication tool; it’s also a space where we can release all of our shadow sides.

"I was jealous of how beautiful his real-life girlfriend was," Vicky told me, remembering her texting relationship with a guy who was already taken. "And it boosted my self-esteem to know he was texting me while having such a girlfriend."

Vicky is definitely not the kind of person who would meet up with someone else's boyfriend. But the Internet gave her a kind of freedom from guilt — the chance to have this sultry experience in a semi-real, almost fantasy-like setting.

But while for some people these kinds of connections may feel harmless — even normal — for others, they can be genuinely harmful, especially for those prone to love addiction or limerence.

Limerence is a powerful, obsessive form of infatuation that makes you cling to even the smallest signs of attention while losing touch with reality. It causes people to idealize someone they’ve barely met and ignore obvious red flags — like constant postponing or avoiding real-life meetings. What makes limerence especially tricky is that it’s built more on fantasy than reality, which is why the Internet becomes the perfect ground for it to grow. For those prone to limerence, endless chats and empty promises can be deeply harmful, keeping them trapped in the illusion standing in the way of real, healthy love.

So if you find yourself stuck in an endless chat with someone who never makes a move to meet — pause and ask yourself what you want from this connection. Because sometimes, the hardest part is not waiting — but walking away to open space for real love.