How To Unleash Your Inner Vixen: 7 Ways To Boost Your Sexual Confidence
Pheeww! Is it hot in here or is that just you?
It's not just the guys who have to deal with performance anxiety. Feeling sexy can be really hard at times, even for the most confident of people – even in the most intimate of relationships. Stripped down naked and suddenly finding ourselves on top, or with our face nestled in our partner's intimidatingly sized loins, not even our trusty (side)kicks can boost us now as their soles gaze on from beneath our hastily strewn underwear. Feeling as clueless as that time we sat a uni exam with absolutely no revision, we try to recall the last porn we watched as if imagining Ginger Vitis deep-throating the elephant man is somehow going to save us now. What should I do? How should I move? How do I deliver mind-blowing sex when I just don't feel on form today?
Whether it's a one-off thing – fuck you PMS – or brought on by shyness or insecurities, we all feel vulnerable, exposed, unable to perform, unsexy from time to time. Even the glossiest, raunchiest of porn stars can't feel like a megababe 24/7. Having great sex is not exclusive to having confidence in the bedroom, but embracing the moment free of all of the aforementioned niggles undoubtedly makes for better sex. In that moment, you deserve nothing less than feeling like the sexiest woman alive. Get in touch with your inner vixen and it's empowering for you as it is intoxicating for your partner.
Working on your sexual confidence is embarking on a self-love journey; it's a powerful process that can penetrate all aspects of your existence. Sexiness isn't just how you look, after all; it's being confident in your own skin. Feeling truly sexy on the inside is like wearing your sexiest Agent Provocateur beneath your office clothes, but a million times more satisfying. Ready to change your life? Read on for our expert tips.
Do it for you
Being sexual has to be your own decision. If the idea makes you feel uncomfortable or unnatural, don't rush into it just because your other half is begging you for it. He can't just throw some nipple tassels and crotchless panties at you and expect you to authentically play the part – you're not a fucking sex toy. Learning about your sexuality starts and ends with you; think about it as starting a love affair with yourself – if he's lucky, he can join in on the action, but only when you say so. Have a discussion with yourself, think about your wants and needs. Once you decide it's right for you, then go on to the next step.
Look at that pussy
Your vulva is yours – take ownership of it! Taking a mirror and checking out what's down there sounds simple enough, but so many of us just don't do it. How can we possibly know what we want if we're not even sure what's down there in the first place? Explore and get intimate: get to know all of the beautiful folds, touch yourself and find your clitoris. Remember that real vulvae – that is vulvae that aren't from a porno – come in all shapes, sizes, colors and textures. So many women feel unconfident in the bedroom because of negative feelings about their vagina, when we should actually be celebrating our individuality – vaginas make miracles happen, don't forget that.
Educate yourself: research the female anatomy and reproductive system; explore smells, tastes and sensations; look at The Vulva Gallery; read up on history; watch this video about the clitoris. Did you know, for example, that Sigmund Freud thought clitoral orgasms were immature, just because he couldn't bear the thought of a woman getting off without a dick? If you're in this for any man, do it to spite that guy – just sayin' but he's definitely part of the reason some men are still living in the sexual stone age.
Make self-pleasure a priority
There aren't many routines as healthy – and satisfying – as checking in to masturbate a few times a week. Female masturbation isn't dirty and it's definitely not something we should feel ashamed about. You're a grown woman, it's your body, and you can pleasure it whenever the hell you want – probs not wise while you're driving though. When you make self-pleasure a priority, you're not only committing to your sexual-confidence journey, but you're giving yourself the time and space to swim through your arousal and recognize and explore exactly what makes you feel good. If you want to find your goddess, self-love is your golden ticket.
Explore first with your fingers and pay attention to every sensation. If you have trouble making it to climax, don't let that put you off – it's more common than you think. We recommend signing up to OMGYes and walking through the website's impressive masterclass of tried-and-tested techniques. Buy yourself some presents: a great vibrator, some fucking weed lube – we hear it works wonders – and indulge your senses. Not only will you gain confidence about what you like, but make sexuality a regularity and you'll start to develop an appetite for being sexual, and with greater frequency.
Watch some porn or read some erotica
Some porn is totally shitty – we got you. Much of porn – with its absurd scenarios, terrible acting, enhanced bodies and crazy sex positions – is not only designed to be a fantasy, but a male fantasy. I mean, watch some of the shit our dudes are watching and some of us would probably end up pretty horrified. To clarify, we're not telling you to watch porn so that you can internalize any of its skewed conventions, or imitate porn star behavior. Explore and find your porn – what turns you on, which category fits best to your tastes? Soft female-directed porn is awesome, but so is wild DP, if that's what you're into. If watching porn isn't for you, reading erotica is incredible for stimulating your sexual imagination. Ultimately, it's all about exploring deeper into yourself (pardon the pun).
Buy some sexy clothes
Sorry, girl, but the worn-out sweats and oversized bath robes we all live in at home are pretty hard to feel sexy in. Get into the vixen role with something beautiful. You don't have to go from zero to Dita Von Teese; something as simple as a sheer shirt or some ass-hugging jeans can give you the sexy feels. When it comes to the actual sex, racy lingerie will definitely give you a boost. It actually works wonders to wear something that's completely not you, or something that's a bit more risque than your normal tastes (like a bright-red lace or a corset). It'll make you feel like you're actually playing the role of a seductress. If you want to take it a step further, think about a persona whose sexiness you want to emulate and get into character – channel your sexual spirit animal. It might take practice to get into this super-sexy role – it's fine if you prefer to keep it a secret between you and the mirror at first – but eventually your insecurities won't get a look in. Fake it till you make it vibes.
Be the initiator
It's so empowering when sex is on your terms. Feeling horny? Take control. Take what you want, how you want – and be sure to make your pleasure a priority. Of course, you don't have to go in all guns blazing; use romance and your innate feminine allure to slowly and subtly crank up the seduction. Drop your partner a hint in the form of a sexy text or phone call - “hey, I want to spend some time together this evening, meet me in the bedroom.” Maintain eye contact while you have a glass of wine together. Light candles, put on whatever music makes you feel good, and then head to the bedroom.
Start the sex on your terms. Get your partner to touch you, go down on you or use a vibrator on you; experiment together to find what's good. Don't feel the pressure to rush into penetration – this is your time to feel like a goddess. If your guy is being a little too hasty, step back to remind him who's in charge – it'll make you feel even sexier teasing him this way. Maintain eye contact; move his hands around your body; breathe deeply and pay attention to every single sensation; revel in the moment. When it comes to your partner, softly and sensually tell him what you're going to do to him (or what you want him to do to you). Being specific about your demands is off-the-scale sexy. As the sex progresses, keep these desires on your mind; they'll steer you through the action with confidence and self-assurance. Just sayin', if your guy didn't know about your journey to vixenhood, he's definitely gonna know what's up now.
Take your time
Finally, remember that developing sexual confidence isn't necessarily going to happen overnight. There's no rush and no pressure – just keep practising. Keep up the self-love, from the sexy stuff through to everything else you do. You deserve it!
For more in sex, check out Bondage For Beginners.