Single All The Way: The Single Gal's Christmas Survival Guide

Sleigh it like Rudolph.


Christmas isn't a season, it's a feeling – and, for many single folks, that feeling is dread. While your coupled-up mates are busy wasting their money on all manner of cute, useless festive shit and fretting about whether or not the turkey's going to fit in the freezer, the only Christmas spirit you're really feeling are the abundant two-for-one offers on spiced rum, mulled wine and egg nog. As a singleton at Christmas you've really got four options: celebrate alone, deny it's happening, go home to your family or, if you're lucky, spend it with other single friends. Regardless of your choice, if you're buying discount advent calendars and eating them backwards in the hope you'll end up somewhere back in November, you probably need this guide. Chill, girl! Don't get your tinsel in a twist, follow our expert advice and you'll soon be sleighing it like Rudolph.


Gift yourself a new vibrator

Who cares if you're single when you can tingle all the way through to the New Year? Just saying, but we're 99 percent sure you'll be getting in more orgasms than your long-suffering best mate – the last time you heard, her boyfriend had developed a serious case of clitoris amnesia. Bah humbug! In fact, there's really no better time for some “me time” considering you're not obliged to go to work, or even leave the house since you've stocked up on enough weed and junk food to sustain you for the whole winter. So, what are you waiting for? Splurge all the cash you would have been obliged to spend on a significant other and treat yourself to an early Christmas present – Womanizer, anyone? Then clue yourself up on some hot porn sites and unwrap a festive orgasm (or ten). What happens under the mistletoe stays under the mistletoe.


Rinse that Christmas playlist

Dust off that Now That's What I Call Music compilation CD you've cherished since the noughties and hit repeat. Rinse that shit right up, baby girl. After all, there's no such thing as guilty pleasures when nobody's around to shame you.


Party Till You Drop

Parties ain't the sole preserve of single girls, but you can't beat the feeling of having no one to answer to when you stumble into your flat at 10 a.m. with your one remaining shoe in one hand an a traffic cone in the other, and your boss' distasteful novelty tie around your upper thigh. And who needs a family game of Cluedo when you get to wake up and play detective, piecing together what (or who) the hell you even did last night through Facebook mentions, WhatsApp messages and blurry photographs? Also, this is pretty much the only time of year it's socially acceptable to morph into a living disco ball. Own it.


Fill those stockings

Hah! Who needs stocking fillers when you are the stocking fillers? While everyone else is waiting for a fat guy to break into their house and eat their cookies, you can slip on your sauciest lingerie and invite that hot Tinder hook-up over for a little bit of fireside sugar. He's not Santa, but he sure knows where the number one badgal lives. Ho frickin' hoe.


Make dinner for two and eat both

Sharing shmaring. Doesn't it always tick you off when your dickhead of an uncle claims the breast meat for himself and leaves you gnawing on turkey drumsticks like a fucking barbarian? Like, I didn't put on my brand-new 20-dollar red lipstick just to lose it in a smear of grease and gravy. What about that time you toiled all day preparing Christmas dinner for your ex only to be met with “the meat is too dry,” and “you forgot to buy pigs in blankets?!”? Yep, sharing is indeed terribly overrated, but since you're single this year, you needn't worry. This Christmas, make yourself a dinner to remember – make yourself two! – and savor every delicious mouthful.


Make a New Year's resolution be an even badder bitch next year (obvs).


Up next: How I, A Single Gal, Became More Attracted To Dildos Than Real Dick


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