Rules About Having Sex With Trans And Non-binary People

Rule number one, don’t make it about yourself.


Sexual education, sadly, is not a norm. This is why in the patriarchal society of toxic masculinity some people still don’t understand the word “no,” or the complexity of orgasm, let alone sex (and pleasure!) of trans and/or non-binary people. Here’s what they didn’t teach us at school.

1. Cisgender fragility is trash

Accidentally misgendered someone? Fine, apologize and move on. Don’t make a big deal about it, don’t turn the convo into a long confession, stop reassuring how hard you try, in spite of your privileges. And oh, stop making this about you. Especially in bed.


2. Unlearn heteronormative scripts

We know that the world around is horribly heteronormative but sex isn’t. Not for everyone. So remember that sex and pleasure go beyond simple penetration. Also, one partner’s orgasm doesn’t indicate the end of the intercourse. You don’t have to orgasm to have a good time either. Absence of orgasm isn’t a failure.


3. Educate yourself

Google blogs, YouTube channels and social media for testimonies and experiences. Queer porn can be useful too. If you ever watched it for your pleasure, you can also do it in the name of science. 


4. Gender identity shouldn’t define roles in sex

Anyone can be submissive. Anyone can be dominant, doesn’t matter what gender identity they have or they don’t have. Imagination, creativity and comfort of the other person are the limits.


5. Think before speaking

Ever heard of body dysphoria? Imagine this but with gender. That’s why remember that some words, like “pussy,” or some body parts can really trigger someone as they are culturally loaded with gender associations. Asking never hurts tho!


6. Make Yes/No/Maybe lists

Set the rules, set the boundaries, set the safe space. As with everything, communication is the key. 

(This article was originally posted on 06/10/2020)


Next Up, How To Accept, Own and Love Your Sexualised Body