Romance Isn’t A Lost Art, It’s Just What You’re Being Told

Once again, we’ve found ourselves in a full-blown dating discourse. Cue the Instagram stories of a suspicious manicured hand at the dinner table, and the sounds of talking stages scrambling to define themselves. Love is in the air… right? Some might disagree.

 

We’ve all seen the popular relationship theories that circulate on social media, ruminating on ideas surrounding ‘right person, wrong time’ and ‘romance is dead.’ One of the dominating concepts that infiltrates TikTok comment sections is the ‘Taxicab Theory,’ coined in Sex and the City season 3 by the character Miranda Hobbes. This essentially poses that relationships with men are all about timing; that they settle for the first woman they encounter when they are ready to find a wife. This is, of course, a very heteronormative perspective, but it does spark interesting questions about the politics of matchmaking. 

 

Whilst debates about gender dynamics in the dating world, such as this, can be traced back decades and unpacked for days, an extra aspect of dating that has entered the zeitgeist in recent years is social media.

With arguably some of the world’s most conventionally attractive people accessible at the swipe of a finger, and a whole new plane of communication being layered on top of romantic interactions, the dating world has never been so precarious. Older generations harp on about how simple it was back in their day; two people fancied each other, and then they got married. It is difficult not to attribute today’s hostile matchmaking environment to a symptom of the 21st century. 

 

So, whether you’re single, taken, or in one of the million stages in between, let’s unpack how relationships have changed over time, and why romance may be feeling like a lost art.

 

Since the domination of social media in the 21st century, the public shifted their desires from highly polished musicians and movie stars to the conventionally attractive content creator next door. Thanks to platforms such as Instagram and especially TikTok, people can form para-social crushes at the tap of a button. The kicker here is that these online personalities are perceived as actually attainable.

 

Instead of the unreachable status of stars such as Kylie Minogue in the 90s, TikTok creators are normal people whose virality was cherry-picked due to their appearance, and this balance of attraction and accessibility sets incredibly high standards for the modern dating pool. 

 

We’re spoilt for “choice,” and it is causing fatigue. When young people are being accosted with gorgeous people on the daily, won’t the grass always seem greener on the other side?

 

Navigating dating in the digital era poses another issue: online ick. You know what I’m talking about. Getting cringed out by how people post online is a universal experience. What exactly makes a post icky is hard to define, but we all know it when we see it. Oversharing seems to be the common denominator. 

 

I can’t help but think about how, when social media was non-existent, this was not a risk. If your parents had online presences ‘back in their day,’ would things have panned out differently? Our social media profiles add a layer to our identities that just provides more opportunities to be put off, narrowing standards even further. I am convinced that this obstacle is contributing to the modern romantic spiral.

 

The more we share online, the less mystery we hold. And isn’t romance all about mystery? About discovering new things about the other person, bit by bit? ‘Back in their day,’ when people wanted to learn more about their potential partner, they had to find out for themselves.

 

We are all aware of how social media is taking away from the ‘present moment.’ In fact, older generations tell us constantly (ironic, as I find that they are the ones who are more hooked to Facebook and TikTok than anyone). Of course, there is truth in this. With so many people’s heads down, connections are naturally going to be harder to find. 

 

But I think that we are moving into a stage now where everyone is getting sick of feeling so disconnected from reality, and I forecast a rise in people putting the phone down in favour of what’s in front of them. Yearning for the lost, flatteringly lit magic of 90s rom-coms, those in the dating pool will actively seek the organic connections that they once saw on screen. But is it still possible?

 

We are not doomed. In fact, social media is not all bad. Texting back and forth can be such a fun layer to blossoming relationships, and some people have met their lifelong partners online, whether that be on dating apps or Instagram DMs.

 

We can’t return to the 20th century.  We are in a new digital age, and we should embrace that. What we can do, though, is learn lessons from how relationships were navigated without the existence of social media.

 

The crux of this, I think, is not taking it too seriously. Take everything you see on your screen with a pinch of salt. Go out with your friends, talk to strangers, and have interesting conversations. Drown out the pessimism of the ‘Taxicab Theory’ and others like it. Have boundaries with your scrolling, and don’t be quick to judge people by their online personas. Focus on the real, the now. That’s how you’ll find your 90s rom-com.

 

A bit cliché, maybe, but in a world this online, choosing real connection might just be the most romantic thing you can do.