Has My Boyfriend Gone Off Me?

Dear Dr. Fizzy,

My boyfriend and I have always had a very adventurous sex life, he’s always been up for trying new things and getting a little naughty. We have been together for around 9 months but for the last month he has been a little off. He never seems to want to have sex anymore and only wants to chill out on the couch. I know he has been stressed out over work but I’m worried he’s gone off me and I don’t know how to fix it. It’s affecting the rest of our relationship and I’ve started to avoid seeing him as I feel insecure that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

From Jessica (17)

Dear Jessica,

Every relationship has highs and lows and certainly the stress of life can get in the way sometimes. If you haven’t confronted your boyfriend about the problem yet, do so, but do so gently. The answer to why you’re not having wild and dirty sex like you used to, could be any number of reasons, not just that he doesn’t find you attractive anymore. The saying that men come from Mars and women come from Venus is no truer than in the way we interpret things. Because girls are very good at processing thoughts and articulating their words, when talking about emotions to our partners we often rapid fire off our feelings with 102 different requests and solutions in 0.12 seconds. At this point your man is still processing point one. Don’t do this. If you want to talk to him about the issue properly, address it slowly and positively. Be clear and don’t leave room for grey areas. Instead of saying “I want you to love me more” which a man will take as, buy more flowers, say “I love it when you kiss my thighs.” This is clear, concise and will hopefully get him thinking about your thighs!

His low libido probably has nothing to do with you. Shocking, I know. Your negative thoughts about yourself isn’t helping anyone. It’s hard, but don’t let your insecurities get the better of you, they only add more pressure. An instant mood killer. So what are these other reasons? Firstly, you mentioned he’s been stressed over work. This could very well be the culprit. Too much work and no play, makes a penis very floppy indeed. A lot of men pride themselves on their work and status so if that is suffering, his self esteem will be taking a beating too. Now obviously you can’t call up his boss and tell him to stop stressing your boyfriend because you’re not getting any, but there are small changes you can make together to boost his sex drive. Instead of the classic dinner and a movie date night, try doing something active together instead. Book a paintballing session or give go-kart racing a go. Exercise produces endorphins making you feel better and boosting self esteem. You might want to skip the late night pizzas also. Nobody wants to get down and dirty when they feel sluggish and bloated.

If he’s stressed, he might be knocking back more beer than he used to as well. Excessive drinking affects the production of testosterone, leading to a reduced sex drive. Caffeine is also a major buzz kill in the bedroom, if he’s gulping back six cups of coffee during the day, this could also be affecting his attitude towards sex.

Some guys get into a routine of masturbating too much. If he’s watching a lot of porn and enjoying a little alone time too often, this can drastically affect his sex life with you, lowering his sexual function. Even people with low libidos enjoy a quick release to aid concentration so even when he doesn’t feel like having sex, he could be masturbating quite frequently. Suggest watching porn together, this can be a fun way to spice it up and get turned on pretty quickly. You might think you know what turns him on but are you sure about that? Often our partner is the last person we tell our core turn-ons to because we feel embarrassed. Get him comfortable and allow him to open up about what he’d really like to do to you and you’ll be guaranteed great sex.

Most importantly, just as we can’t make someone love us, we can’t make them want to have sex. Be patient and honest with your boyfriend and have fun things to look forward to. The happier and healthier you both are, the better your sex life will be.

Love,
Dr Fizzy

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