A Sexologists Guide To The Best Sex

Sex can be an awkward subject to approach but these are the steps to discover yourself, the language, and the confidence to improve your sex life. Come as you are is based in science and Nagoski has a doctorate in sex so you know you can trust the book. The book is aimed at women, as they more often face stigma around sex, but the advice applies to everyone.

Step 1: Understanding Your Unique Sexual Experience

The first step is to understand that every body is different so everyone's sexual experience will be different. Nagoski describes it in terms of brakes and accelerators, brakes are what stop any sexy feelings and accelerators speed them up. Each person has different sensitivities for each. Understanding how you work and being able to communicate that with your partner is vital to experiencing the most pleasure.

The book talks about a friend of Nagoski, who did not have sensitive accelerators so the foreplay was more important than anything for her. Once she understood that about herself, she had the words to tell her husband what she needed.

Step 2: Embracing Your Body's Normality

The second step is internalizing the idea that your body is normal. Like we mentioned earlier, each body is different and each body is normal.

It's also important to know that men and women aren't all that different. For every part of a male sexual organ there is a part of a female sexual organ that has a similar sensitivity and will get the same pleasure from.

For this lesson, the book references a student of Nagoski who was an older woman who didn't get the encouragement to get comfortable with her body until she took the class. This didn't stop her from finding love, moreover her partner helped her to understand and love her body.

Step 3: Balancing Desire Styles

The third step is learning to balance your desire style with your partner's. There are two types of desire styles, but most people fall somewhere in the middle. Spontaneous desire is when you want sex out of the blue. Responsive desire is when your sexual urges come from stimuli. These stimuli could be anything from sensory stimuli to emotional stimuli. Like with everything, people vary. Discovering what does it for you and being able to communicate is what's really important.

Creating a safe space for sex will increase your desire. When your mind is at ease and your stress level is low your desire will be high. This usually means your partner will have to play a greater role in keeping you happy. It also means you have to prioritize yourself. Self care is important in every aspect of life. 

Step 4: Recognizing Life's Impact on Sex

The fourth step is to understand that sex is affected by your life. Sex doesn't exist in a vacuum. Sometimes you might need a little planning, sometimes you might need to let go of control; it all depends on you. The same situation can be incredibly sexy in some situations and annoying or stressful in others. Think tickling: if you're in the mood, it's great; if you're stressed or busy, it's a hassle.

This lesson comes with another anecdote, a working mother with a full plate, her head was too full to ever get in the mood. As soon as her husband understood how overwhelmed she felt he took on a larger portion of the work. With that she could put energy into their relationship. 

Step 5: Shedding Outdated Ideas About Sex

The final step is to let go of any outdated ideas about sex. This might mean you need to let go of everything and start from scratch, or it could mean you already have a super view on sex. But sex is a part of life surrounded by myths, stigmas, and sometimes ideas of evil from prudish culture that persists into the modern age.

Conclusion

Understanding yourself, your desires, and what turns you on. Then communicating that to your partner is vital in every step of the journey to the best sex.