Why Does Healing Cost Friendships?

There were some really dark years in my life. I was struggling with a personality disorder, a painful breakup, and a depressive episode that made it impossible to study or work. I was expelled from my university. I lost my job and my relationship. And almost — I lost myself.

At the same time, one of the best things I had in all that darkness was the people who were there for me, and I truly thought they would stay forever. But to my surprise, when I finally got better — when I went into remission and started rebuilding my life — I lost most of them.

Turns out, this isn’t as rare as I once thought. A lot of us, after healing or serious personal growth, go through massive shifts — and often painful losses — in our social circles. But why does that happen? Here’s what I’ve learned about this.

1. Some People Can’t Relate To Those Who Have Changed

You were friends because you shared the same struggles. But when you start healing while they remain in the same place, there's a chance you’ll no longer find common ground.

Personally, I don’t believe that all friends need to be just like you. Sometimes, differences can make a connection even more interesting — when both people are open to new experiences without judgment. But for some, that’s not the case.

As you grow (while they don’t), they may also start to dismiss your new challenges and struggles, making the dynamic feel subtly toxic. But in most cases, it’s not that they are toxic people — they just don’t understand you anymore. And, truthfully, they don’t really want to.

2. Some People Are Stuck In The Role Of Savior

These people seem like your best friends when you’re struggling. They’ll do everything they can to support you, to be there for you when you need them. But it’s not always because they are genuinely kind — it’s because they want to see themselves as kind.

The reasons can vary — low self-esteem, a need to earn love, or even a desire to control others through "help." But the outcome is the same: if you’re no longer a victim, you’re no longer interesting to a savior.

In the best-case scenario, they’ll quietly fade from your life. In the worst case, they’ll try to push you back into the role of a victim. And that can be incredibly painful — to realize that the person who once lifted you up is now the one trying to damage your self-worth, just to keep you dependent on them.

3. Some People Struggle With Pathological Jealousy

You won’t truly understand it until you get better. At first, they’ll be happy to see you improving — as long as nothing in your life surpasses what they have in theirs.

These people crave connection, but being around someone more successful only magnifies their own feelings of worthlessness. On the other hand, spending time with someone in a worse situation gives their self-esteem a temporary boost.

In my experience, such people can be extremely dangerous. If they see you doing better than them, they no longer want to be your friend — they want to be you. And they’ll use any means necessary to achieve that.

What Can You Do About It?

Stay strong and keep your boundaries unshakable — no connection is worth diminishing yourself. It can be painful, and disappointment is natural. Probably, you’ll grieve the friendships you’ve lost. But the pain won’t last forever — it just needs time to pass.

Remember: this is temporary turbulence. When there is empty space, new connections can emerge — ones that are even deeper and, this time, truly equal. 

And the best part? The ones who truly matter will stay. You’ll come to cherish them even more — those who stood by you not just in the bad times, but in the good ones too.