Sovereign Sneaks: If The Royal Family Were Sneakers

The royal family are a unique and enigmatic bunch, living 18th century traditions right in the limelight of the 21st century world. If we’re not gawping at them through the lenses of the paparazzi, we’re probably reading lengthy articles about their favorite breakfast choices. As relatable as they try to be, the ritzy royal lifestyles can feel pretty out of touch, leaving us having to decode their cryptic personalities the only way we know how. Enter, the beautiful language of all cultures and classes: the sneaker. 

As the gang strut across the continent on their not soldout european tour, we got together to answer the big question on everyone's minds: which new sneaker best describes each one of the royal bunch?

#1 Queen Elizabeth, Nike WMNS Classic Cortez Premium, $103.74

Like Liz, the Nike Classic Cortez is twee, comfortable and loves to look lush in that classic beige shade. These shoes can be found working those hot sportsluxe trends, or promenading English gardens with a group of chubby corgis. 
 

#2 Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, NIKE Air Footscape Woven Chukka QS (wmn), $138.28 ($138.28)

Like our old pal Phil, the Nike Footscape is controversial and if not teamed up right, could say a little too much. But ultimately, they’re unapologetic, strike conversation and are probably somewhat orthopedically concerned.
 

#3 Charles, Prince Of Wales, Vans Old Skool Premium, $70.00

Charles is king of 0LD Sk00L even if he’ll never actually become king. (Soz). Also, these sneakers have a crisp black leather finish, just like Charles’ very own party sneaks he sports when he's getting down on a Friday night.
 

#4 Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, PUMA Basket Heart, $103.74

A full bodied white oversized shoe-lace bow for a head of full bodied white, blow-dried hair. 
Only the Basket Heart can capture Camilla’s prime asset – a gravity defying bouffant that acts as a plush jewellery pillow for those subtle headpieces. 
 

#5 Prince Harry, Yeezy Boost Moonrock $1,280

The Yeezy is probably the only shoe that is as desperately wanted as the red-headed royal. Also, the Yeezy in Moonrock vaugely has that ~army viiiiiibe~.
 

#6 William, Duke of Cambridge, Reebok Shaq Attaq $159.99

For both, their hottest moments had probably been and gone by the early noughties. 
Enough said. 
 

#7 Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, Stella McCartney x adidas Originals Pure Boost, $119.00 ($170.00)

If anyone was gonna be a Stella, it was gonna be Kate. Just like the mother of the world’s most over-hyped children, this shoe gets the crowds talking, maybe more than we can quite keep up with. But they’ve got that sweet, delicate look, are undeniably pretty and fairly inoffensive. Also, they’re pink. 
 

#8 Princess Charlotte of Cambridge, NIKE Air Max LD Zero, $165.00

Both are undeniably cute, but probably don’t merit a huge hype just because they’ve left the house. Just sayin. 
 

#9 Prince George of Cambridge, NIKE Air Max Jewell QS, $110.00

Small but somehow mighty, the Air Max Jewell QS and the little whippersnapper both scream ROYALTY, even if there’s probably not much that’s regal about either. After all, George is a snotty toddler and the Air Max has no real power beyond looking crazy hot. Basically, like little Georgie in his hand-embroided Bavarian-esque t-shirt (why?), we think these sneaks just might be the future king.