Here’s Why Purity Culture Is Wrong

Some people wait for sex until marriage, which is ok. But fetishization of virginity, fear of sexuality, justification of abuse, self-hatred, and sexual guilt are not. These are just a few problems cause by purity culture, popular especially among evangelicals in the US. While many could be responsible for it, Joshua Harris took it to the next level with his book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” which now turns out to be a scam.

The title speaks for itself. The book, first published in 1997, not only promotes extreme sexual abstinence and romanticizes the idea of “saving it for someone special,” but also suggests to give up dating completely – no hugs, kisses, or holding hands. Instead, dating should be replaced by “courtship,” approved by parents, which in theory would prevent heartbreaks and sexual sin. In practice, it slut-shames and stigmatizes women.

Many of its readers, especially female, face up to numerous traumas. Lyvonne Picou, after having read the book, was ashamed of her body and childhood sexual abuse. Samantha Field stayed with a sexually abusive partner for years because she felt like “disgusting garbage.” Emily Joy feared hugs and, despite being attracted to women, found herself guilty for turning men on. These examples are only the tip of the iceberg. 

In the meantime, Harris, then 21, sold over a million copies of the book, making the purity not only cool for young people but also lucrative for himself. But the merch of sexual abstinence in the US has a long history. An organization True Love Waits, founded in the 80s, sold purity rings, pins, bracelets engraved with Bible verses, and thong underwear emblazoned with “One life, one love.” Alongside came books, movies, and music with evangelist megachurches and charismatic pastors, like Harris, ahead.  

Today Harris took everything back and even stopped publishing “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” He apologized for all the damage the book made, reassuring that he had only good intentions. But the trauma for many women was and still is real. That’s why we need to make it clear. Religious beliefs are ok but using them against someone (here: women who have sex) is not.

Next Up, The Curious History Of Dating In Pandemics