It's Ok When Dicks Don't Get Hard

Just don't apologize for it.


I take a lot of pride in being a sex-positive person, which is why I know that I should face up to this self-proclaimed title and apply sex positivity to everyone. Yes, everyone, including men because otherwise, how different would I act from rules of patriarchy and toxic masculinity? Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always been this way and I’m sure that sometimes I must’ve been pretty horrible towards my sexual partners, male ones in particular (maybe I’ll share these stories one day). But I know now that sex is not about proving anything to anyone.

So, while I don’t ever need to make my case to my sexual partners, equally, they shouldn’t do it either. Not gonna lie, sometimes this feels more like a theory than a practice, but every time, I try to remember that the whole point of sex is to have fun, by figuring out the preferences of all parties involved. Thanks to this attitude, I’m more generous, understanding, and permissive towards both myself and the people I have sex with. No expectations. Let’s just have a good time.

This was literally the only thing that I wanted when recently, I met this hot guy in a smoking area in a club. We clicked right away because in his beautiful, wolf eyes I saw that he was after the same thing as me. And believe me, at that moment, the thrill of sleeping with a stranger was more tempting than anything else in the entire world. God bless 2021. The Return Of Spontaneous Hook Ups.

What seemed the most appealing about him, when we left the club and took an Uber to mine, was his (ostensible) self-confidence. For real, he appeared to be totally okay with himself which always beats everything, including his charming smile, his cute face, and his sexy accent. However cliché that sounds, self-love is the biggest turn-on, what can I say. 

When we ended up at mine and took our clothes off, he couldn’t get hard. It happens, I thought, no big deal, he’s not exactly sober, so it is pretty normal. There’s plenty of other stuff we can do to get off. But I turned out the only person in the room who found it this easy.

‘Hey, I’m sorry, this is so embarrassing,’ he moaned, and let’s say, the first time he apologized for it, it was acceptable. Fair enough, he feels the pressure, he wants to live up to it because we’ve literally just met. You never know with ONS, right? But I’m a grown woman, I had multiple sexual partners and I’ve seen worse than that. And equally, I also felt embarrassed and nervous in bed many times before, that’s why I know that your partners’ reaction is the key here. So, I try to calm him down.

‘No worries, it’s all chill with me,’ I say and I mean it. ‘We can have a good time, anyway, we can cuddle and kiss and stuff.’ But clearly, it’s not working cause he’s elaborating. ‘Ever since I had COVID, you know,’ he begins (at the smoking area, he shared that he caught it a few months before), ‘I just can’t get hard, and I’ve never had problems with that before.’ NEVER, he repeats explicitly, which makes me think that maybe he’s not that confident, after all.

Still, I try to be sympathetic and I’m not saying this to imply that I deserve a Nobel Prize because, at that moment, it was the least I could do for both him and myself. ‘It’s totally possible, you know,’ I agree with him. ‘COVID really weakens your body, so it makes sense that it impacts your erection as well,’ I’m slowly checking his reaction. ‘And it hasn’t been that long since you had it, right? So maybe you still haven’t recovered.’

He doesn’t give up, though, and instead, he serves me the worst thing he could possibly say. ‘Yeah, yeah, I know. But I swear, I actually have A REALLY BIG DICK,’ he reassures me. I must’ve grimaced at the sound of this but thankfully, the big light wasn’t on, so he didn’t see my face.

I clench my teeth. I’m getting impatient not because he’s not hard but because ONS begins to turn into a fucking therapy. I like him, though, he’s a fuckboy, but a nice one, you know what I mean? My favorite kind. Why would I be a bitch then? So, I smile and kiss his neck. ‘Oh, I’m sure you do, 100%. Cause you absolutely do have big dick energy.’ Which is partially true cause he appeared really self-confident before he started reassuring me of his impressive skills in such a desperate way.

Believe it or not, it worked. He took his time, we kissed, we cuddled (as I suggested), he went down on me (and I must admit, he was doing his absolute best) and then, he did get hard eventually and fucked me quite well. (A side note: he didn’t lie. His dick was quite spectacular).

A happy ending? Yes, but only if this story will make at least one person with a dick understand that a flaccid penis is not a big deal or a tragedy. Erection is such a delicate matter, and so many factors can impact it, but everyone internalizes it anyway. Partners who can’t get their dicks hard fear that they’re not potent enough, whereas people on the other side worry that it’s their fault cause they don’t turn them on. I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. And this is how something that’s supposed to be fun turns into a desperate cycle of anxieties. 

It’s a toxic pattern, powered by toxic masculinity, body negativity, and sex-shaming. That’s why I don’t particularly blame my recent ONS for his insecurity, but I hope that he won’t feel guilty about the way his body works ever again. So, this one is for him and everyone else with a dick, regardless of its size, shape, condition or position. It really isn’t a problem when you can’t get hard. Just don’t apologize for it. It’s a waste of time.

(We first shared this article in October 2021.)


Read next, A Fuckboy Helped Me To Love My Body