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We Broke Up, But I Still Love You

What now?

POSTEDBYALARA BAYKENT

“I might’ve fallen out of love, but I can never stop loving you.” were the last words I had told him –in my head– I couldn’t say it out loud, because I didn’t want to seem weak or be too dramatic. But that’s how I genuinely felt. How do you deal with a situation that feels like you’ve lost a piece of yourself? How can you move on while you still love him?

I’m not writing this article to simply tell you that I just “let it go”, “didn’t give a f*ck anymore” or that I binge watched every rom com on Netflix while spooning Nutella out of the jar until the pain went away. I’m writing this to tell you that it was ok and I was ok – eventually. Of course I felt pain, of course my heart hurt, and of course I felt lost. I let myself feel the pain, and allowed myself to grieve, because I knew I would grow from it if I allowed myself to. There’s a saying: “We meet people for a reason, either they’re a blessing or a lesson.” – I disagree. 

I truly believe that he was a blessing, because we created memories that I will cherish forever, and he made me feel things that made my heart skip a beat. And he was a lesson, because I learned so much, not only about relationship and communication related things, but also about myself. In the end it didn’t feel like a loss, it felt like a win, because I grew from it, and I was stronger than before.

Another thing I realized after the break up was that I had lost touch with my true self. The sad part was that this was the case even while we were together. I was so invested in my partner that I had forgotten how to be “me”. So I just took some time to find the path back to my true self. I learned to be my own inspiration and source of happiness. I was even able to inspire others around me, which was actually quite rewarding! 

Although I was feeling happy most of the time, I still felt lonely from time to time, because as I said before, it felt like I had lost a part of me when we broke up. I usually felt lonely when I didn’t have anything to do, and when I was just home doing nothing. I’m going to be honest with you; I didn’t like that feeling at all, because it wasn’t just loneliness, it was also the kind of feeling you get when your heart is broken. So I decided to make some changes; I started going to the gym more often and regularly, I organized and cleaned up my apartment, and I started cooking! The more stuff I had to do, the less time I had to feel lonely. 

Speaking of not wanting to feel lonely, I also started to spend more time with my friends and my family. I was so obsessed with spending as much time as possible with my boyfriend that I didn’t spend enough time with the other important people in my life. I guess losing someone I love so much made me realize how valuable the ones who are still there are.  

I now think that this is not the end of things, it’s the beginning of new things! I’m strong and I will be ok, more than ok. I have loved, learned and then grown. Now that I’m at a better place mentally and emotionally, I can say that I loved the journey with all the ups and downs. Do I still love him you might wonder; I will always love him. And now, I think I’m going to go and spoon that Nutella jar without eating my emotions and feeling guilty. Care to join me? 

Next up, I Quit Ghosting And This Is What Happened

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