Photo: Malte Grüner for Fizzy Mag

The 4 Types Of Men You'™ve Probably Dated After A Break Up

Learn from our mistakes girls!


Dating after breaking up from a long term boyfriend can be a confusing and daunting task. Whether you see yourself as the queen of dating or a dating dumb ass, it can be a very different story after being out of the game for so long. We’ve put together the stereotypical list of men you will inevitably date during your journey back into the dating world. 

No. 1. Dave The Doctor

Ok, so you’ve spent a month (or six!) moping around the house, feeling sorry for yourself, eating chocolate and mourning the loss of your former relationship. Your girlfriends have decided it’s time for an intervention and force you to go to a club. You’re not even thinking about dating, you just want to get drunk and dance like a maniac. This is when you will meet guy number 1 on our list: Dave The Doctor.

Dave The Doctor will appear out of what seems like nowhere. You haven’t made that much of an effort, your hair is probably tied back and you’ve got a dress on you’ve worn a thousand times but because you weren’t looking for him, this is when he shows up. He’ll strike up a conversation by asking you to settle a hipster debate between him and his friend like “Do you put salt or sugar on your French toast?” You’ll be pulled into the conversation and before you know it, he’s asking for your number.

Dave The Doctor is a sneaky bastard. He has everything going for him. He’s cute, doesn’t seem like a player and he’s a doctor! Where has this guy been all your life! Last week you thought you’d die alone and now you’ve got a date with a doctor! Dating is easy.

Your classic date with Dave The Doctor is drinks at a bar. The conversation is flowing, and overall it’s going very well by your standards. The bar is closing and he invites you back to his place for a night cap. He only lives around the corner and although you know you shouldn’t, you’re enjoying his company, so you go anyway. After years of being out of the game, you have forgotten you’re not supposed to sleep with someone on the first date! The next morning is a little awkward but he drops you home, kisses you goodbye and promises to call…we’ll get back to him later.

No. 2. Daniel The Dad

It’s only been a week since your date with Dave The Doctor, when Daniel The Dad catapults into your life. Lulled into a false sense of security after last weeks successful date, you agree to meet him for lunch. He tells you way too much information for a first date but you are lapping it up like a prize idiot. He had a kid pretty young with a girl he thought he loved, he’s constantly got money problems and he thinks he might really fall for a girl like you. By the second date, he’s told you he loves you and you start to see yourself meeting his kid, pushing the stroller and playing house. Dave The Doctor is pretty busy working nights at the hospital so you might as well spend some more time with Daniel The Dad, after all, he really likes you.

No. 3. Benjamin The Barman

After being blown off on several occasions by Dave The Doctor and your friends warning you to stay clear of Daniel The Dad (although you have no idea why?) you are feeling vulnerable and a little confused. Time for life to throw you another curve ball and it comes in the form of Benjamin The Barman. You plan to meet your girl friends in the new hot spot in town but they are all running late so you prop yourself up at the bar and strike up a conversation with the magnet in front of you. He’s the guy everyone seems to know and he’s just tending bar until he becomes a champion golfer. Unlike Daniel The Dad, he has no baggage, what harm could giving him your number do? Your friends arrive and he plies you all with free drinks. Your (alcohol induced) friends love him and can’t wait to hear how your first date goes.

Your first and only date with Benjamin The Barman will occur at the scene of the crime, the bar he works in. He’s just finished his shift and a few of his mates are already in the bar. They make you feel involved, telling you embarrassing stories about your date and you all plan a day trip to the aquarium together as it appears Benjamin The Barman has a thing about penguins….Awwww. As the night draws to a close, he invites you back to his place, you forget what you learnt from Dave The Doctor and fool around with him too. You tell yourself it doesn’t count if you don’t stay the night, so you catch a taxi home and avoid the walk of shame the next day. You never hear from Benjamin The Barman again and you definitely don’t take that trip to the aquarium.

No. 4. Robert The Realist

After the knock back from Benjamin The Barman, you decide Daniel The Dad and all his baggage is the one for you. You spend every waking minute together for days on end, learning that his parents wished he would get back together with the mother of his child, that he dropped out of school at fifteen and that he can’t handle his liquor. Nothing deters you from this guy and four months in he shags his ex and you spend a week in bed, crying your eyes out at how stupid you’ve been!

This is where the last guy in our list comes into play, Number 4, Robert The Realist. Robert The Realist can only materialize once you’ve learnt from your mistakes. He’s probably someone you’ve known of for a while, a friend of a friend. He’s honest and real and has had his fair share of heartbreaks before too. You take things slow, go on bizarre dates like accidently gate crashing a wedding. It might work out with Robert The Realist or it might not, the important thing is that he is the type of person you should be dating. The I’m-not-a-prick-kind.

So there you have it. Four guys to look out for when you find yourself plunged back into the dating debacle. Good luck!