How To Talk About Sex In A New Relationship. And Why You Should!
Bring up the topic of sex with your new boo.
Sex. Sexual intercourse. Making love. The birds and the bees.
Whatever you call it, all these names are talking about the same thing: physical intimacy.
And depending on your values and attitudes toward sex, it can be a complicated topic to talk about. And if it's ever going to be a tricky topic to navigate, it is when you enter into a new relationship.
Talking about sex is a keystone element to sexual empowerment, so fear not; we're here to help you out with some handy advice and tips for how to bring up the topic of sex with your new boo.
First Off, Why Talk About It? And What Should We Talk About?
Surely, everyone thinks the same about sex, right? Uh, no!
Sex is just as unique as the human fingerprint. Everyone thinks about sex differently, has their own expectations, has their own limits and preferences. And I don't know when you last checked, but sex involves more than one person (usually two or more), so to have good sex, you're gonna have to get to know your partner's views on sex, and they're going to have to get to know yours. Enter: communication! Yes, you're going to have a little chat with your partner …
Here are some of the questions you can ask each other:
- What does sex mean to you?
- Are we monogamous or still allowed to sleep with other people?
- Are we casual or in a relationship?
- What's your STI status?
- What birth control shall we use (if any)?
- What do you like in bed?
- What don't you like in bed?
Okay, asking too many questions can make the conversation seem like a job interview, but you needn't make the conversation actually feel like that. It can be a simple discussion while you're Netflix' n' chillin'. And during this discussion, it's not only important to get across your thoughts, but it's also crucial that you listen to your partner. So actually, maybe turn off the TV … at least pause it for a while.
Leave your Embarrassment at the Door.
Sex is a healthy part of many adult relationships, so you shouldn't feel embarrassed. If you're not used to talking about sex, it can cause your cheeks to go a tickled shade of pink. But if you keep talking about it like it's a normal thing (which it is, duh), eventually, your cheeks will change color no more.
Most of the time, people only get embarrassed because they're worried that their partner will judge them or make a joke at their expense. But listen, if they want to have sex with you, they are going to be understanding. And they're going to want to know your likes and dislikes so they can perform to their best for you. So when they ask you about your favorite position, don't shy away – tell them! That's their ammunition for the next round of pleasure!
Do it in Person.
No, I'm not talking about the act of sexual intercourse. I mean, have 'the talk' in person. Do not have such an important conversation over text or email.
Perhaps over the phone is okay if you're long-distance.
But in general, keep this talk for an in-person occasion. Why? Sex can be a sensitive topic, and you don't want anything you say to be misinterpreted. Plus, it's also an intimate conversation, so it helps to be physically close when you have it. Trust me, do it in person.
Don't Force the Conversation.
You might find that when you and your partner are ready, the sex talk will just flow naturally between you. But sometimes, one partner may be more ready than the other, so they initiate the conversation. If, in this case, the other person doesn't seem willing to talk about it, don't force them. It will only make them less ready and feel more awkward about the whole topic. Pressure and sex don't mix. So don't pressure them.
There are all kinds of desires, kinks, and fetishes out there. And it's likely that your boo will like something in bed that you either don't like at all or are unfamiliar with. Instead of heading straight to judgment town, keep your mind and heart open. Opening up about our kinks and fetishes is a very personal thing, and you, as the listener, are privileged to know them. So don't laugh at them or judge them for it. See it as your chance to explore the realms of sex via different avenues than you've explored before. Hear them out on why they enjoy a particular vibrating toy during penetration or why they gravitate towards wearing leather and learn to love, appreciate, and use this information to both of your advantages!
Take it Slow.
You don't have to talk about everything during the first conversation. And sometimes you don't have to go into lots and lots of detail. Sometimes the best way to learn what someone likes during sex is to … well … have sex with them.
So in the initial discussion, you're just looking to make sure that you're both on the same page and that you both understand each other's approach to sex. Don't get bogged down in all the nitty-gritty details yet. You have plenty of time to discuss all of those as you go! Just talk about the most important things to you first. The rest will follow.
Know When to Talk About It.
With any important conversation, timing is everything. Don't bring it up when they're in the middle of something important or a task taking up their attention. Wait until they are relaxed and sit down on the couch with you.
If you try to bring up the sex talk while they're in the middle of work or fixing the kitchen sink, you won't get what you want out of the conversation, and they won't even be part of it because they'll be half in it and half out. And sex deserves both of your attention—100% of it.
Use the Sex Talk as a Way to Get to Know your Partner.
Don't just see the sex talk as a conversation that has to be had. In this exchange, you're going to be finding out some quite personal information about your partner, so remember that this is another way to get to know them on a more intimate level.
Despite the fact that sex is everywhere nowadays and that most adults have it to some degree, we still turn into embarrassed teenagers when it comes to talking about it with our new partners. Crazy, right? If you treat sex as something entirely normal (but not mundane, of course), you won't feel embarrassed when you talk about it.
And let's face it, the only way to have mind-blowing sex is if we tell our partners what we like. Being shy about it is going to get us nowhere. So be open, be clear, and be confident about what you want and what you like. If your partner truly wants to be with you, they will take the information you give them and guard it like the Crown jewels.