He Took A Condom Off But I’m Still Attracted To Him
Does it make me a bad feminist?
I know, I know. I said it before. I talked about rape, I talked about disgusting things that men do in bed. I wish I could share more fun, sexy secrets but it’s not my fault that men are trash. You know the storyline. A super hot guy was super outrageous. And who’s facing consequences? Me. Of course.
It was literally two weekends ago. I met him at the bar, I was ridiculously attracted to him but I thought he wouldn’t be into me. We had a good chat, he was very sweet, open-minded, polite and respectful, I met his friends who were really nice as well and when he was leaving, he asked for my number. And then I thought that maybe he kinda liked me, after all.
He did. He proved it sooner than expected, texting me the same night, a few hours later. ‘I was hoping to spend more time with you,’ a classic fuckboy bullshit but end of the day, it works, doesn’t it. Cause I did want to spend more time with him too. It quickly turned out that he lived in the area and next thing I knew, he arrived at my place. I was over the moon. How convenient to find a fuckboy who lives a few blocks away, close enough yet not too close. It happened to me two flats ago and honestly, that was an absolute blessing.
He was cute and funny, he smelled good and looked amazing. A perfect fuckboy material. ‘I think you should take your top off,’ he said and I really loved how direct he was, skipping the awkward pre-shag small talk that I can’t stand. ‘Make me,’ I was trying to indicate that I enjoy being dominated but he wanted to act like a ‘gentleman.’ ‘I don’t like forcing anything,’ he replied and with hindsight, it sounds painfully ironic. ‘Well, maybe I do,’ I said but what I meant was kinky, consensual sex, not . . . rape?
End of the day, we both took our clothes off and I was almost speechless when I saw his perfect body. And it wasn’t even the best part cause he really knew how to perform an amazing foreplay. I don’t think I’ve ever squirted that fast before when he started fingering me. He was so skilled.
After the foreplay though, when I asked for condoms, it turned out he didn’t bring them. Of course, it’s 3 am, why would he need them anyway, he came here for a cup of tea. But when I (rolling my eyes), offered mine, he said, ‘I don’t want them, I want to feel you.’ Wow, bro, I almost shed a tear. He tried once again, ‘I hate them, they’re always too small for me.’ Fair enough, his dick was massive (and quite outstanding). But considering he is familiar with the impressive size of his cock more than anyone in this world, it’s even more outrageous that he arrived at my house without condoms. Fine, fine, I made that point before. Back to my story.
‘Right, let’s give it a go,’ my big-dick prince graciously agreed, looking so good and smelling so nice. Yes, it was a red flag that I had to convince him to put it on but did I choose to deliberately ignore it? I most certainly did, as I was not exactly sober, very horny and extremely attracted to him.
Not only did he have a nice cock but also, he knew how to use it (these two things, sadly, don’t always mix). I even forgot about the red flag for a second. Not for long, though. We changed positions a lot and every time we did, I was asking for a break. I didn’t need one but I wanted to check if the condom was still there. Another red flag that I ignored cause his dick inside me felt too good. But when I was on top of him, playing with my boobs, he removed the condom, taking advantage of a few seconds of my distraction.
My big-dick prince was an excellent actor. ‘Oh my god, where is it,’ he expressed his concern. ‘I didn’t remove it, my hands were here, you saw it, right,’ he was looking for a confirmation but it didn’t trouble him when he didn’t get one. He turned around, wrapped his arms around me, cuddled me and… yes, he wanted to stay the night in my bed.
‘I think you should go,’ I said, almost hesitantly, like I didn’t want to offend him. But I did anyway. He called me cold-hearted, packed up his things and left, without saying goodbye or even looking at me. Just because I had the audacity to kick him out of my bed when he took advantage of my vulnerability and my trust. What a bitch I am.
I felt betrayed, hurt and absolutely horrible but also, I couldn’t deny one detail. If it wasn’t for that condom removed, I would’ve had the best fun cause he was an excellent shagger. And that made me feel bad. I wanted to despise the night with him but I couldn’t, I actually really liked it. Until that turning point it was perfect.
I faced the consequences of finding the fuckboy in the area sooner than expected cause I bumped into him last week. Twice. Of course I was nervous, triggered and panicked and it wasn’t nice at all. But the worst part was that I still felt attracted to him and I couldn’t help it. I knew I could never sleep with him again because he wasn’t worth a penny but I also knew I’d answer positive if someone asked me if I would. I blamed myself as a bad feminist and this feeling couldn’t leave me for a few days. I thought I was already free from all social presuppositions but suddenly, I internally slut-shamed myself. ‘You’re exhausting, you wanna fuck all the time.’
And you know what, I don’t take it back. I most definitely do. I take every opportunity, as long as I like someone and they like me back. This is why, as a woman with a very high sex drive, I always felt guilty, nasty and wrong, like the odd one out.
It’s a common pattern: survivors or victims are often attracted or even kind towards their abusers. And they’re often blamed for the same reason I blamed myself: they seem too keen. Weirdly enough, being keen is perceived as something that diminishes your pain or trauma. I thought of all women who were raped yet they climaxed. I even thought of all toxic relationships that my friends were stuck in for years. I would hate anyone who would say that it was their fault just because they were blinded with love. Then, in this case, I was blinded with appeal, horniness, sex drive, fill the blank.
So, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to myself. My choices in men may be quite poor and I can act very unreasonable sometimes. But I am a good feminist because I refuse to blame myself for things that don’t depend on me. And a hot man taking a condom off is certainly one of them.