How To Get Through 'Cuffing Season' Without Breaking Your Genitals
'Tis the season to be fucking.
Although the term 'Cuffing Season' might sound like it's come straight out of a David Attenborough documentary, we aren't referring to the birds and the bees here. In fact, you should be counting your lucky stars you aren't a horny little honey bee if you don't fancy your genitals exploding during sex – literally. So WTF is Cuffing Season? According to Urban Dictionary, it's when during fall and winter, “people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves, along with the rest of the world, desiring to be tied down by a serious relationship.” Basically, when the weather gets fucking Baltic and the dark evenings draw in, we humans suddenly get the inexplicable urge to Nest-flix and chill. And this ain't just because you've still got eight hours of Stranger Things waiting for you on your hook-up's laptop, cuffing is actually part of our evolutionary history; with less light, food and firewood available, shacking up to share body warmth and produce offspring was once a necessity.
So, with everybody looking for a winter fuck, how can we get through this time of year without breaking our genitals – or worse, our hearts. Stand by for Fizzy's five-point cuffing-survival guide.
Check your options
Just because your WhatsApp conversation dried up three months ago, doesn't mean that guy's a no-go. It's Cuffing Season and those hot days of easy summer party hook-ups are long gone. So too are opportunities to actually leave the house and meet new people. You've gotta work with what you've got here. We're not saying you should go pandering back to your ex – although he probably does know how to get you off in record time – but there's no harm in vetting your available options. Bonus points if that guy you never thought you'd lay is feeling the cuffing vibe too.
With the season in full swing, chances are guys have started acting nicer than usual. Perhaps your inbox is being inundated with “U OK, hun?”s after every selfie, or guys are suddenly inviting you out for pumpkin spice lattes and trying to woo you with sweet gestures. Why? Because they're looking for commitment – why waste your time and energy on a one-night stand when there's a few months of horny hibernation on the cards and someone cool to share your oven-baked mac 'n' cheese with? Just saying, but you can totally cash in on those borderline-relationship perks, even if you don't intend on actually having sex with them.
Now, as per the title of this article, we don't want anyone's genitals getting broken here – either from excessive fucking or a laissez-faire attitude to sexual health. And for many of us, despite our innate urge to procreate, getting unintentionally knocked up isn't at all appealing either. What are we saying here? Your sexual energy may be the only thing driving you through these dreary months, but that doesn't mean you should have left your brain back in October. It might sound obvious, but for heaven's sake, use some frickin' condoms and keep consciously checking in with your sexual health. Just because you're feeling all cozy and intimate, does not mean you're exempt from the nasties.
Beware of Valentine's Day
For many, Valentine's is the natural cuff-off point. You may have spent most of the season attached at the genitals in a fuzzy pseudo relationship, but for some, the commitment pressure that comes with this Hallmark-engineered funfair of romantic insincerity is just one two-dollar card too far. If you've gotten yourself romantically invested in your cuffing companion, you might want to bring up the dreaded “what are we?” question before the shops are awash with vomit-inducing love poems and discount chocolate bars – the last thing you want is Valentine's heartbreak. And on the flipside, unless you turn into an ice queen come winter, you probably don't want to be the Valentine's heartbreaker either.
Just because everyone else is at it like rabbits, doesn't mean you have to be. Think of all the things you could be spending your precious time on if you just...abstained? Winter is the perfect time to get all the shit done you shelved during the summer because you didn't want to miss all seven days of spotless sunshine. Still haven't finished writing your sexual autobiography? Get on it. Got an IKEA Billy in the basement with your name on it? Take the opportunity to do an altogether different type of banging. When winter's finally through, you'll have nourished your soul with so much me-time, you'll feel like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, while everyone around you limply drags themselves from a slime of bodily fluids.
With more blow jobs on the cards than in any other season, here are five fail-safe ways to pass the time. You can thank us later.