5 Alternatives To Crawling Into A Hole On Valentine's Day

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't tell us to smile, and also, fuck you.

Yes, Valentine's Day is indeed fast approaching, but to be honest, we're really not feeling it. If you ask us, this sickly sweet commercial fanfare is only good for two things: weeding out the fuckbois who can't commit and polluting the environment with useless shit. But instead of literally just crawling into a hole come February 14, we've put together five alternatives – for whether you're (recently) single or you just really hate V-Day. Here we go.

Cast a spell

As much as you might hate your ex, we're not talking about any black magic voodoo shit here – although if you feel like dressing your least favorite teddy bear in his old boxer shorts and stabbing pins into it, be our guest. How about a (comparatively friendly) spell for breaking ties with someone in your life instead?

While you may be skeptical about magic – or magick – that doesn't mean it won't be super fun to pretend you're a witch for the evening and try it out anyway. While you're at it, why not get the coven, sorry, girls, round and brew up some potions (vodka mixers)? Essentially all you're really doing here is setting your intentions, or manifesting positive thoughts.

This banishing fire spell, shared by John Scardina, is a ritual for love gone wrong, or ending any other relationship you no longer wish to be in. Check it out here, and let us know if it does the trick.

Have a self-love-in

Okay, we know we pretty much include vibrators in every single one of our self-care articles, but we believe orgasms are an essential part of the whole self-love shabang. While you obviously don't need a vibrator, or a crystal dildo, or whatever, to get to O-town, it is Valentine's Day, so why not treat yo'self? We highly recommend the aptly named (and not anywhere near dick-shaped) Womanizer, which provides an “all-round pampering program” through “contactless stimulation of the clitoris.” Yep, its nozzle literally blows your clit – which is more than your ex ever did. Futuristic.

Now, as much as you could just have a furious wank and be done with it, why not make this a masturbation occasion? Light some scented candles, put on some fresh bed linen, slide into some sexy lingerie (Instagram revenge body pics optional) and peruse our extensive selection of female-friendly porn. How about performing your own mirror striptease? The practise will come in handy the next time a guy or gal is lucky enough to get acquainted with your inner vixen.

Go sneaker shopping

Is there any better way to proclaim your undying love for sneakers then copping a couple pairs on V-Day? We think not. And if you are in a couple but would rather eat your own shoe than subscribe to the generic gift selection, a pair of Valentine's sneakers is the perfect alternative.

Jordan Brand has got just the thing: a women's-exclusive “Valentine's Day” Air Jordan 8, releasing February 14. Coming in special-edition packaging, the suede sneaker is red from top to toe, and reads “Loves Me” and “Loves Me Not” under each crossing strap. Cute. It'll be available for $190 in an extended range of sizes.

Watch a horror movie

Your break-up might have been pretty horrific, but a good horror movie is always a nice reminder that it could have been a lot worse. You ain't got a chainsaw-wielding Leatherface in your kitchen (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), you're not slashing through demons in a cabin in the woods (The Evil Dead) and you're definitely not being fed your own brain (The Silence of the Lambs). Life is actually pretty sweet when you put it like that.

Deny it's even happening

If you're the non-conformist type – single or not – this is honestly your best option. Besides, Valentine's Day is on a fucking Wednesday this year. It's the evening of February 14, you've just got in from a hard eight hours of office toil and you've still gotta dine on something edible before you devour your first spliff of the day and pass out for the rest of the evening. Ain't nobody got time for frivolities on Hump Day.

Also, to hell with buying useless heart-shaped shit that makes you want to throw up in your mouth just because our capitalist society pressures you to do so. Breeze through your day oblivious and break out the grand gestures of love on your own terms. A cheeky glass of wine and a box of chocs wouldn't hurt though.

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Next up, dodge cupid's arrow with Lazy Oaf's anti-Valentine's collection.