The Sexual Standoff – How To Stop Fighting About Sex
Sex is fun. Fighting about sex? Not so enjoyable.
Getting up close and personal with the one you love for an explosive orgasm is a preferable way to pass the time with your mate. Aside from the fact that sex feels good, it also connects couples and binds them through an oxytocin filled haze of love and trust. So, it goes without saying that when a relationship is lacking sex, there is going to be a break in the bond that once connected you both mentally and physically.
Ask any couple and they'll tell you this is the key ingredient to a happy, healthy relationship. So, what are you supposed to do when your partner isn't putting out? Here's why couples are fighting about sex and what to do about it.
Why a Lack of Sex is damaging in Relationships
Sex is one of those fantastic aspects of a relationship that you don't really think about unless it sucks or it suddenly goes missing. Regardless of the reasoning - new parents, tired, sick, or you're just being emotionally distant- keeping the sex out of your relationship is a one-way ticket to splitz'ville. Sex is an expression of your love, it relieves stress, and it feels awesome. It's no wonder that fighting about sex becomes so prevalent once you stop rocking each other’s socks off. Don't think of your sex fights as bitching, think of it as a cry to save the relationship.
No sex is damaging to a relationship for the following reasons.
Bruises your Connection: Fighting about sex and sexual frequency usually signals that you and your partner are no longer on the same page emotionally or physically. Not wanting to be intimate with one another signals a huge problem.
Bruises Trust: In a monogamous relationship, sex helps build trust between partners. Feel-good hormone oxytocin is responsible for pair-bonding and trust building after you receive touch sensations, such as kissing, hugging, and sex, with your partner. When your partner stops regularly engaging in the dirty with you, trust can be broken and bruised.
Bruises Ego: Rejection hurts. Whether you've been with someone for five minutes or five years, denying you sex is a multifaceted trip to a bruised ego. First, why don't they want you? Are you not good enough? Not pretty enough? Not wild or interesting enough in the sack? Second, if your sex life is an expression of your love for one another and now you're not having it, what does that say about the fate of your relationship? These questions and more can plague your brain and crush your self-esteem.
How to Stop Fighting about Sex and Start Having More of It
If you want to have more sex with your partner, or at least clear the air about why it’s suddenly missing from your relationship repertoire, here is what you have to do.
Have a Clear Head
Whether you're not getting enough sex or you feel like your partner is being way too pushy about getting some, you both need to take a step back. If you want to stop fighting about sex with your partner, you need to have a clear head. It can be hard to remove yourself from the situation and look at it with unbiased eyes, but you have to try. Perhaps you feel your partner is totally bugging you for sex, but when was the last time you actually had it? Is your circumstance really that dire, or are you being selfish? If you haven't had sex for a couple of days, this is by no means to be considered a hunger strike. Relationships naturally go through ups and downs in the bedroom. Be patient.
Communicate about Sexual Needs
Communicate, do not complain. Blaming your partner for their sexual inexperience, their low libido or their lack of giving you an orgasm is only going to discourage them from trying again with you. Instead, communicate about your sexual needs. Talk openly about how often you need to have sex and come to a compromise.
Be Open about Kinks
Want to stop fighting about sex? Then you need to be open and honest with one another. It may be that your partner is a real freak in the sack but they're too shy to tell you about their kink. Have an open mind when it comes to talking to your partner about sex, sexual fetishes, and personal preferences. Do not be judgmental. If you are more open to their needs in the bedroom they may just come around and do the deed a little more often.
Note: You should never do anything you're uncomfortable with in the bedroom, but having an open mind about your partner's sexual interests isn't going to hurt you. Unless it's really, really kinky. Then run.
Get to the Emotional Issues
If you want to find out why your sex life has dropped off the face of the planet, you and your partner need to do some soul-searching. Did you have a banging sex life when you first met and then something traumatic happened? If you were assaulted or you feel your mate betrayed you in a big way, it could be that you feel emotionally distant. Emotional distance is not exactly a recipe for romance. Get down to the emotional issues that are preventing you and your partner from having a healthy sex life. Communicate, communicate, and communicate.
Get to the Physical Issues
It could be your lack of doing the dirty comes down to a physical issue. Perhaps you're uncomfortable with your body, you've gained weight or gone through a surgery, maybe you're self-conscious because of something your mate did or said about your body or your performance in bed. Another physical issue may be that you can't cum and are sick of trying to with your partner. Instead of crossing your arms and pouting AKA freezing your partner out in the bedroom, open up and talk about new and fun ways your partner can try and get you off.
Play Fun Sex Quizzes
One great way to stop fighting about sex and start having more of it is to talk about it. Look up fun "would you rather" quizzes or lists of sexy questions you can ask your partner. For the most part, these lists are silly, but fun. They'll get the conversation about sex flowing in a casual, lighthearted manner instead of awkwardly tiptoeing around whether or not you're going to "do it" tonight. Plus, it'll teach you a thing or two about your partner.
To spice up life in the bedroom even more, why not check out our guide to non-awkward stripteases here.
Banner and preview image via Sang Bleu Presents "The Day I Met You" Capsule Collection (Photographer: Jeanne Buchi)