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The things we wish we knew before giving a blow job

All The Things We Wish We Knew Before Giving A Blow Job

The good, the bad and the ugly.

POSTEDBYDEE CUNNING

We've said it before and we'll say it again: blow jobs are like flowers for men. Because, pray tell, what could be a greater gesture of love than willingly giving up on oxygen for ten minutes while you have a hard piece of flesh rammed down your throat? Hah! And they said romance was dead.

Although we made the blow job sound pretty nasty there, they're not always all bad. We know we put together this EXTREMELY handy guide on how to relieve blow job boredom, but actually, if you really get into it, and you're with the right guy, blow jobs can be enjoyable and, dare we say it, pleasurable?

If you're about to embark on your maiden blow job, or you just really wanna hear all of our fruity blow job misconceptions, read on for all of the things we wish we knew before giving head.

 

You don't have to deep-throat

Sorry, porn, you can be awesome, but you really have a lot to answer for on the deep-throating front. We've all been there, watching some generic, mildly concerning porn scene, in which a guy uses his 10-inch shlong like a literal throat battering ram. Look, we're not judging if you're into that kind of thing, but if you're not, it can feel a little dehumanizing – not to mention uncomfortable.

Despite what porn would have us believe, you don't have to gag your way through a deep-throat to give a good blow job – the roof of your mouth or a strategically rolled up tongue, to a penis, pretty much feels the same. Don't allow yourself – or your guy – to be deceived, and definitely never feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.

 

It ain't gonna lube itself

Unless your guy's penis is a log flume ride, it won't get wet on its own. Pre-cum, much like your attention span, is small and short-lived. In short, unless you're sure your saliva is going to bring ample lubrication to the act, a bit of flavored lube never hurt anyone – and it'll make the BJ feel even better. If not, don't be shy about moistening up with a glass of water mid-blow.

 

You don't have to worship it

Have you ever seen a blow job on TV or in movies that doesn't make the giver look like they're kneeling down to worship? Yeah, the penis is a life-creating instrument, but it ain't that sacred, alright? Although we could perceive it as a misogynistic demonstration of male power and female submission, we reckon it's more likely to do with camera-angle logistics and not turning actors into porn stars, but whatever.

Our point is that you can give blow jobs lying down too – in fact, that's a lot more common, not to mention more comfortable. Oh, and it'll probably help you avert too much of a (literal) head fuck.

 

You don't have to swallow

...or get cum in your face. Excuse us while we do a bit more porn bashing, but the whole cum-shot thing – which we understand is designed for optimum viewer titillation – is generally not that fun in real life. This is not a necessary element of the sex act, as pretty much every porn involving a penis might have you believe. Neither do you have to enthusiastically swallow or lick up every drip of his warm cum as if it actually tastes nice.

If you don't like it, don't do it. You've gifted him an orgasm and that should be enough. And if you enjoy swallowing much more than you enjoy the taste, consider putting your man on a pineapple diet.

 

Using a hand makes it easier

Even the more modest-sized penises can feel overwhelmingly large when they're thrusted into your mouth. I mean, do the math. The average erect penis is 5.7 inches long, which is probably almost double the length of your mouth. Get your hands involved and not only will you have more control over the act, but you'll provide some extra pleasure at the base of the penis, which normally wouldn't get a look in. Oh, and if you want to make the whole experience extra fruity, you could always make like Auntie Angel and get a grapefruit involved. No kidding.

 

You won't bite it off

There are plenty of blow job horror stories out there, and sure the dick might go rogue and hit a tooth, but it's not likely you'll end up injuring it or literally biting it off. In fact, once you get going on that BJ, you might as well be a granny with your false teeth out. Hahaha. Sorry.

 

Hygiene is important

If a guy wants a blow job, the least he can do is keep his damn piece clean. Some penises don't taste or smell nice, but that's generally down to hygiene, and not because all penises are rank. Of course, thanks to all the sweat glands in the area, warm days can also be to blame. If you think he needs it, there's no harm in suggesting a cheeky shower together beforehand. We smell extra foreplay.

Also, while we're on the topic of hygiene, let's just take a minute to remind ourselves that if your guy hasn't been tested for STDs recently, a condom is a must.

 

He might not cum

If you can't make him cum with a blow job, don't take it personally. Some guys can't, or don't want to, cum from a BJ. Also, a blow job is often a lot more work than it's made out to be. 10 minutes or more down there can feel like the most drawn-out apple bobbing session of your life – let's hope the prize involves his mouth, your clit and up to double the attention.

 

You don't have to give to get

On the subject of reciprocal oral, let's be really real here, it does help. As above, you're probably gonna feel much more motivated down there if you know your own ecstasy is waiting in line. And the same goes for the guy. An eye for an eye... a penis for a clit? But that still doesn't mean that you must always give head if you wanna get head. That would be stupid, like you're reducing oral to currency or something. So again, if you don't wanna blow, don't.

 

Next up, seven ways to boost your sexual confidence.

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