A Witch's Guide To Read Your Date's Body Language
Your brain is a horny disappointment.
All is fair in love and war, but in the dating game, it can be hard to play by rules.
Dating must be one of the single fkn most stressful things you can put yourself through: you show up to your date worrying you smell like a Greek restaurant, there's a big, unpoppable pimple on your cheek, and you feel unworthy of love because you basically are Shrek (idk about you guys, but that's my thought process).
But fear no more! It's not as hard to win your love’s heart as it sounds. I studied a little witchcraft called "behavioural biology," and even if women are from Venus and men from Mars, when we break it all down, we’re all just primates living together on this planet wanting to mate.
Let me guide you step by step through the secret language of the body and mind and hopefully, amour you with a hidden weapon of knowledge for your next hot date!
Let’s start from the very beginning:
1. You see your date
Okay, you're nervous, but let it go— let the pheromones do the work from now on.
When we meet new people for the first time, we unconsciously put them into on of three boxes: either we categorize them as potential friends, enemies or sex partners. Yes, our reptile brain really is that primitive and what has been seen cannot be unseen.
2. First physical encounter
Either your date is a handshaker or a hugger. A handshake can either be a sign of modesty or instant friend zoning. Hugging, on the other hand, is a silent hint that they already want to rub their body against yours! Take it or leave it—we're all animals.
3. How you communicate
This is where it gets a little bit more tricky. The face and body have a way of their own, and neither your nor your date can control the micro-expressions your stupid face makes.
For instance: risen eyebrows when asking a question is a sign that they really have no fucks to give, no matter what your answer is going to be.
3.1 Then there's the shaking head: It’s easy to manipulate people when your body language is supporting your words. If you want to encourage something, you nod your head. If you want to prevent something, you shake it. Like, if they ask you “Another drink?” and their head is shaking it obviously means: Can we please call it a night? If the head is nodding while asking the same thing, he definitely wants you to stay. Up to you.
3.2 There’s a saying that goes, “If you don’t like what you see or hear, your lips disappear." Think back to a really awkward situation or a time where someone pissed you off. Did your lips just disappear? Hiding your lips is a micro-expression that signals stress, anxiety, anger or sadness. Be aware!
3.3 If your date’s shoulders are all the way up around their ears, it’s a sign of discomfort. If we feel intimidated our reptile brain automatically tricks the body into protecting our neck and throat—“turtlenecking”. Also, if your date is looking away from you, they’re probably trying to avoid the subject you’re discussing. So, either they are a dick for not wanting to hear about your feminist activism, or you’re talking too much about your ex.
3.4 Try to tell a shocking story, and watch their eyes. Whenever we get information that surprises us, our eyelids will rise and expose as much of our eyes as possible. This will happen within 20/100 of a second, so you’ll really have to look carefully.
4. Eye contact
People who aren’t particularly involved with each other or have a casual relationship normally hold eye contact for 30-60% of a conversation. Couples who are in love hold eye contact for 75% of a conversation. Long eye contact releases the hormone Phenylethylamin—a hormone related to Amfetamine—which makes us fall in love. This actually means that you can manipulate your date into falling in love with you only by holding eye contact! Cast your spell, my witch!
The female pupil dilates 3-5 times when they’re sexually aroused, and men’s pupils dilate 3 times. The female pupil also dilates when looking at children (lol). Also, back in the day, prostitutes used a special medication they called “Bella Donna Drops” that would make their pupils the size of a Dutch hard-style raver’s to attract men more easily.
5. What dat mouth do?
It’s actually easy to tell if your date is going to be easy or not. There are two different looks you can give the person standing in front of you: The social look or the intimate look. The social look is the eye path going from eye-eye-nose, whereas the intimate look is going from eye-eye-mouth (or further down like the neck or collarbone). So, if your date is giving you the intimate look, they’re probably thinking about what dat mouth do!
Watch out for the lips as well! If there’s more licking, biting or touching your own lips than usual, it probably means that you’re DTF. Same counts for your date. Playing with your lips increases the blood circulation in the mouth area and creates focus on it. Your lips will probably also turn more red when horny. Hello, reptile brain, thanks for revealing the porn playing in my head.
6. Does your head feel a little heavy?
Women have a tendency to cock their head around 15 degrees when they are in a neutral conversation and 25 degrees or more when in a flirtatious convo. Cocking your head to the side is called a “Lady Diana” and—believe it or not—increases men’s protective instinct (lol). I know you’re a strong independent woman who can take care of yourself, but in war and love, there are no rules, and you’re an enchanting witch with a sexual agenda. Use or abuse what you’ve got.
7. Are you going home together then?
Human beings are social animals, and we want to assimilate to our surroundings. Pay attention to how your bodies are positioned compared to each other. If we want someone, we tend to mirror them to make them like us. Are they drinking when you’re drinking? Placing their hands like yours? If yes, they’re good to go!
At last, when it comes to guys, a sign that a they want to get down on that body is the bass. The darker the voice, the higher the amount of testosterone. The testosterone level increases when men are ready to mate. Figure out if you’re dating a squirrel or a bear, and you're good.
Happy hunting, my little love witches! Let the dating begin!
Preview image via Instagram @jelenasimeonova