Dear Dr. Fizzy,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and he’s a little older than I am. With five years between us, I presumed he would be a lot more experienced than me. In the beginning, I was so focused on lusting after him that I didn’t really care if I didn’t orgasm, I just felt lucky I’d got him into bed! Now, a year later, he is always complimenting me on my oral skills and I really wish I could return the favor! The thing is, he’s just not doing it right and never has done. Because I always faked it and told him it was great, I don’t know how to approach the subject without hurting his feelings.
What a nightmare! Frankly, there’s no easy way to say, “Hey babe, you’re shit at oral and I’ve been faking it for a year” but if you want to stick with this one, you’re going to have to come clean. Pardon the pun! If there’s ever been an argument for not faking it in bed, this is it. It’s all fun and games in the beginning but a year down the line with zero orgasms is no fun at all.
Just because he’s older, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s more experienced or that he actually learnt very much from his experiences. If his previous partners faked it with him too, this could be a much bigger blow to the ego than just hearing it from you, so you’ve got to be gentle about this. Or at least fudge the details a little to limit damage control. To approach the subject, next time he goes down on you, claim that it’s just not working for you tonight, she’s being stubborn or that you want to try something new. In a way that says it’s just occurred to you, ask him to focus on your clitoris, draw circles or use his hands at the same time, whatever you enjoy. Another way to approach the subject is to dirty talk beforehand and as a bonus it’ll get you both turned on super quick. Tell him in explicit, dirty detail what it is you want from him, something like, “I want you to circle my clit until I come twice” (A girl’s gotta aim high!)
Without being too derogatory, training your man to please you the way you deserve, is a little like training a puppy dog. When he does something right, give him positive reinforcement, when he does something wrong, ignore it. By positive reinforcement, I mean give him a throaty moan or some words that tell him you’re very much enjoying that move, not feed him a biscuit. And by ignoring it, I mean literally ignore it. Don’t moan, don’t tell him it’s good and definitely don’t tell him it’s bad! He’ll quickly realize that hearing you moan is much more exciting and he’ll keep repeating the techniques you enjoy instead of flailing away down there like a wind up toy. Now, you’ll have to take a bit of responsibility here, since you’ve been giving him the wrong idea about what you like, you’re not going to be able to change his entire approach during one bedtime romp. You’ll have to be patient and work on it each time, but you’ve waited a whole year to orgasm, you can wait another couple of weeks right?
You can turn this into an exploration of each others senses, even though he’s always complimenting you on your oral expertise, don’t be afraid to ask him what he’d like you to do to him, who knows, maybe he has a deep dark secret too! The only way to have truly toe curling sex is to tell your boyfriend what you like and despite your fear of bruising his ego and hurting his feelings, in the long run he’ll appreciate the advice.
There are things you can do on your side to help remedy the situation also. Try tilting your pelvis in the right direction, rotating it around to get the angle that works for you. Use your own hands to make a V with your index and middle finger and place it around the spot you want him to focus on. Lastly, oral sex is a very personal thing, each girl likes something different and what works for one, doesn’t necessarily work for another. If you like direct clitoral stimulation, let him know, and if you don’t, show him where he should be directing his attention.
Life’s too short for bad sex!
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